As I pulled the last sweater out of my suitcase and hung it in my new closet, it hit me: I was actually in Greece. I had survived the ten-hour flight with a personal TV that didn't work. I had successfully obtained and operated the keys to my new apartment. I had lugged my suitcase up three flights of narrow, spiral stairs because the elevator intimidated me. I had finished unpacking the one suitcase I'd proudly stuffed with only a fraction of my wardrobe. I'd made it. I sat on the edge of my freshly-made bed and texted my family, letting them know that I'd arrived safely and that everything had gone smoothly. But it was three in the morning at home, so naturally, no one replied. I sat there listening to the cars zooming through the traffic circle outside and suddenly felt incredibly alone.
What did I just do?
In the months leading up to studying abroad, I'd attended pre-departure meetings where they warned us about homesickness. They told us about culture shock and the difficulties of adjusting to a new culture. They encouraged us to try new brands of toothpaste and shampoo, to ask our foreign friends where they like to hang out, to be open to the different ways that other cultures do things. And on top of all those warnings, I was used to being away from home. Not only had I decided to go to school 2,000 miles away, but I'd also done a lot of traveling through the missions program in high school. I knew what it was like to see my family only every few months. I'd gone all summer without seeing most of my friends from college. I knew that I'd miss the people I cared about, but I wasn't worried about it holding me back. I'd thought everything through. I was ready to go.
But there's something different about being in another country. After my initial panic on move-in day, my roommates and I developed a routine. We became friends with the people at our favorite bakery and regularly chatted with the couple who owned our favorite cafe. We worked hard at learning Greek and tried to use the few phrases we knew whenever we could. We walked around different parts of the city so we'd become more comfortable with our surroundings. As far as I could tell, we were doing everything right. There was no reason for me to be homesick. I'd made new friends, I was going out on adventures, I was trying new things. But no matter how much progress I thought I had made, there were moments when I felt inexplicably unsettled and wanted nothing more than to just go home.
Those moments were, quite frankly, embarrassing. There I was in Athens, a city with vibrant culture, amazing food, and some of the friendliest people, and I just couldn't get over this deep-seated feeling of displacement and anxiety. At first I tried to ignore it and just power through until it went away. When that coping method failed (surprise, surprise), I tried reaching out to my friends and family back home. While talking to the people I missed did help considerably, often times the moments I missed them most were moments when they were asleep (the time difference felt like a constant insult to injury). It wasn't until I started talking about my homesickness with my friends in Greece that I started to feel better.
I'd be lying if I said that I eventually got over missing my family and friends back home. While my time in Greece was incredible and (cliché as it may be) life-changing, a lot of that change happened in the moments that I struggled most. Ever since I was little, I've been a socially anxious person. When I was little this manifested itself as intense shyness. As I grew older, it developed into uncomfortable silence in social situations. My four months in Greece reset that anxiety. Instead of worrying about what other people were thinking or how they were judging me, I was worrying about myself and finding ways to feel comfortable no matter what situation I found myself in. I had no idea at the time, but my homesickness forced me to focus on my strengths as an individual instead of the things that I thought separated me from others.
It wasn't easy, and it certainly wasn't on purpose, but being away from home forced me to change the way I understand myself. While I wouldn't go so far as to say that I've become my best self, I've definitely been reminded that there is plenty more growing for me to do. And as vomit-inducingly cheesy as it may be, being challenged in this way has been incredibly rewarding.
