Recently, I found myself thinking a lot about what it takes for me to fully trust a person. I was having a hard time answering that question, mainly because I hadn’t really decided how to trust people after friendships and other relationships ended poorly for me in the past. After thinking for a while about what I want in the future, and also what I’m working to pursue now, I’ve come up with four steps for myself.

1. Don’t put a time limit on sadness

It’s easy for me to beat myself up when I realize I haven’t met a certain goal, or I haven’t quite “gotten over” a toxic relationship or event. The thing is, it’s unrealistic, unhealthy, and frankly impossible to put a deadline on sadness or trauma. I know that the longer I go on telling myself that healing is a linear process, the more I set myself up for future disappointments.

Instead of freaking out when I have a negative memory or start dwelling on something that I tried to put past me a long time ago, I have to instead rely on the mantra that yes, unpleasant memories are coming back, they may be here for a little while, and they may even return in the future, but I’m capable of getting them to pass, even if just momentarily.

2. Remember that I don’t owe anyone my experiences or my stories

Trustworthy people should understand my need to take things slow.

3. Protect myself and be mindful of red flags, but stop actively searching for them

After having friendships and relationships go sour in the past, I’ve had a chance to step back and reevaluate what went wrong, and why those past figures in my life were toxic to me. Once I identify those flaws in other people, though, it can be hard to escape the idea of them when moving on.

I start looking for bad things in other people: the tendency to gaslight, to get too defensive, and even the possibility that they will disappear altogether. I know that it’s irrational that I’ll be able to detect all of these negative qualities from the get-go, but I still find myself emulating this pattern sometimes. In order to kick this habit, I remind myself that it’s possible to go with the flow and place trust in people while also protecting myself.

4. Decide what I need from people that I’m not already getting, or haven’t gotten in the past

need in relationships, as opposed to giving, and giving, and giving, and just taking whatever I get back. This also means learning to confront people, and communicating when I think I’m not being heard or acknowledged at all.