By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
The luxury condos under construction at 8 Lame Jane’s are turning out a bit more luxurious than anyone expected, including the developer. How much more luxurious? Thousands of square feet more per unit, according to an open house flyer that advertised the units at 10,000 square feet apiece.
“We followed the plans,” swears developer J.J. Henry. “I don’t know what happened. We started with a plan for a two-bed, two-bath condo and wound up with five stories, nine bathrooms, a dozen bedrooms, and an entire floor dedicated to a full-size swimming pool in each unit.”
The special permit issued to the original developer, who abandoned the project and sold the property to Henry for undisclosed reasons in 2012, clearly stated that only 1,600 square feet of living space were to be developed. The basement and attic were to remain unfinished, per the zoning bylaw.
Henry clarified that no one had touched the basement or attic. The extra footage was distributed throughout the rest of the unit, he said.
“We just kept finding more rooms,” Henry said, “and so we just kept painting ‘em.”
On the bright side, said Henry, “It still looks the same on the outside – the footprint hasn’t changed. Only the interior has expanded.”
To the Planning Board, that wasn’t a bright side at all.
“I heard about that happening to a house in Virginia,” said Planning Board Chairman Blark Axelford – you know, that guy who rides his skateboard to every meeting.
“At first it was just this cute little mystery – ‘the inside of the house is bigger than the outside, how interesting,’” said Axelford. “But then the house attained sentience and ate the family. I think that’s a real concern here.”
Town Manager Mown Tanager agreed. He has already put in a request for a special consultant with the highest qualifications to take a look at the condos.
“There’s something strange in that neighborhood,” said Tanager. “Who else was I gonna call?”
The Planning Board unanimously voted to issue a “cease and desist” order until the mystery could be solved.
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This is a parody, or as I like to call it, a "farticle" (that's "fake" + "article"). For more farticles, visit Sashimi for Breakfast. Or, read the original news story in the Cohasset Mariner.
