First of all, the younger me, I want to tell you how proud of you I am. And I want to tell you I'm sorry.
I'm proud of you because you made it. We made it. If I had known then what I know now, life would have been a little different. But that's just how things work. You did your best. You took life day by day, making it one long, tough 24-hour cycle at a time. But you worried a lot, and you worried a lot because you were unsure of things. You worried too much, concerned by things that in the end, don't even matter. But I can't blame you, because that's all you knew. What you knew was that everything you did was important. The way you looked, the way you dressed, the way you portrayed yourself to others was nothing short of your main goal when waking up every day.
I get it, because frankly life is still like that. But in the same way, it isn't. You worry about others, you care for yourself, you try your best to be happy. No matter what, you still take those tough 24- hour cycles one day at a time.
But then, little things consumed you. You spent days worrying about people that you shouldn't have batted an eye for. And you always felt sorry, even when you did nothing wrong.
I wish I had known to worry less about grades and more about my well being. Less about boys and more about self esteem. I wish I hadn't thought so hard about what would happen in the future, and more about what was happening now.
I want to tell you that I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough then for younger me to be happy. I'm sorry that my younger self cared so much about how I looked, or what other people thought of me. I was consumed by it. I wanted people to love me for all of the wrong reasons. I made myself into someone I wasn't because I thought others might like me better.
But all of that now, it just seems so stupid. Because I was awesome then. And we all were. And back then, we didn't know what we know now. But if we had, it would have been amazing. There were times in high school, or our younger years, when we would get glimpses of who people truly were. And it was beautiful. But we were so scared that our true selves would get shut down, that we hid them. And we put on our make up, and our masks, and we put up our happy pictures and our happy faces on. It was easier that way. But now I'm stuck, peeling all the layers off I put on for so many years. Realizing that maybe I could've seen clearer then without all of those facades.
I'm sorry to my younger self for not being the best person I could have been. For not always being as nice, and caring as I could have been. For not putting my happiness in any horizon I saw.
Your horizons should be full of your happiness. Back then, we focused too much on what others wanted us to be and how they wanted us to feel. Now, I know better. And I promise you, that when you get to know older me, you'll be proud of me too.
