12 Kitchen Appliances I'd Rather Date Than You | The Odyssey Online
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Politics and Activism

12 Kitchen Appliances I'd Rather Date Than You

Because pansexuality means I date pots and pans, right?

Rylan Harvey
Jul 25, 2016
Millersville University of Pennsylvania
26
12 Kitchen Appliances I'd Rather Date Than You
Pexels

I identify as pansexual, and because of this, I'm often questioned whether or not I'm attracted to kitchen appliances. Which... what?

Here's a little definition for you:

pan·sex·u·al
panˈsekSH(əw)əl/
adjective
  1. not limited in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender, or gender identity.

Does this make a little more sense? The prefix "pan" means "all" in Greek. So, instead of "pan" as in "pots and pans," "pan" means that I can fall in love with someone and want to have sex with them regardless of what's between their legs. Basically, hearts not parts.

But for the people who still insist that I'd rather be dating my blender than you, here's a list of beautiful kitchen appliances that I would rather buy than have sex with you.

1. NUTID's stainless steel double oven.

This is just gorgeous. It's also from IKEA. So, that makes it 100 times sexier. Buy it here.

2. FRAMTID's stainless steel 5 burner gas cooktop

DO YOU SEE THIS? I could roast marshmallows on that gas. Buy it here.

3. NUTID's black 4 element induction cooktop

It's so pretty. Buy it here.

4. BETRODD's stainless steel microwave oven with extractor fan

It can sit right above your stovetop! *heart eyed emoji* Buy it here.

5. NUTID's stainless steel French door refrigerator


It has a water dispenser and everything. Buy it here.

6. RENLIG's stainless steel built-in dishwasher


It's just... so sleek. Buy it here.

7. GE's stainless steel 57-bottle wine cooler

Because you need to have 57 bottles of wine at one time. It's a necessity. Buy it here.

8. BLACK+DECKER's spacemaker black glass carafe coffee maker

It can rest right along side your beautiful microwave from up above (see number 4). Buy it here.

9. DeLonghi's 15-bar pump espresso maker with automatic cappuccino system


You can never have too much coffee. Or caffeine. Buy it here.

10. SodaStream's source home soda maker starter kit


I would save hella money on soda. Buy it here.

11. SPT's 3.2L stainless steel hot water dispenser with multi-temp feature


Perfect for the pansexual Teavana addicts who are afraid to burn their tea with water that's too hot. This kettle will steal your heart. Buy it here.

12. Ninja's 48oz. pulse blender


Blenders are one million times sexier than any partner I've ever dated. Buy it here.

There are more top-of-the-line appliances that I would rather buy than sleep with you, but it took everything in me to narrow it down to this beautiful dozen. But that's because I'm attracted to them, right? So it makes it hard to choose... I mean, this blender would probably be a better partner than you, so why not give it a go? Doubt it'll force me into unwanted sexual contact, because straight men, the ones who insist I'm sleeping in with my oven, are more likely to initiate anything than an inanimate object. But who am I to say that? Apparently I'm sleeping with them all.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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