“Mommmm! It hurts so bad. I just want to die.” I screeched sitting on the kitchen floor with my knees pressed to my chest as my heart was breaking for the first time.
That evening I had been sitting on my phone waiting for the messages I sent to turn from ‘Delivered’ to ‘Read’ which seemed to have been taking forever each time. He kept texting things like “Maybe I just need time to be sure” or “I’m not sure that this is what is meant to be.” And at the time this all felt very drastic to me. But, every time I tried to engage him in a conversation about it, he didn’t answer his phone.
“I’m driving over there,” I said. My mom tried to talk me down, but it just didn’t work. She warned me showing up in an emotional huff would only make matters worse. But I knew I was right! If I showed up and fought for him, he would have no reason to turn me away.
I got to his house and texted him asking…ordering…him to come outside. There I stood shivering, in the middle of winter, waiting for him to answer the door. Feeling like it had been hours, the door finally yanked open. He immediately asked me what I was doing there and why I thought I could show up like this? At that moment I knew it was a big mistake!
Before I could apologize and slink back to my car he said: “It’s over Sophie, I’m sorry.” I froze there and a tear welled up in my eye. He pulled me up against his chest and hugged me tight and repeated he was sorry, this time more endearing.
Oh no….please no…..It was happening…I pushed him abruptly away and he stated more angrily that he was sorry. But that wasn’t it. I wasn’t angry, I was……sick???
I gagged a little and thought for a moment, please, God, no. Not here, not now. And I threw up…right there…in front of him…in his yard…right on top of the snow.
After that, I don’t recall saying or doing anything. I probably just walked back to my car shocked and mortified and drove home. I do remember one thing for sure though, my heart broke that night. I was certain that I loved him and that beautiful house I had dreamed of and the three brown-eyed babies had disappeared into a vapor.
Growing up your mom is the protector of your heart. Mine used to tell me that when my heart hurt, so would hers. She would say, “If I could take all your pain away and give it to myself I would.” I used to think about how selfless she was for that.
She would warn me about all the boys in the world. Tell me their brains and hearts develop slower than ours. Even when I got to college I would say things like “Mom, he is the one.” And she would say things like “You said that last time. Be patient. Quit working so hard to make it happen, it will happen in God’s perfect time.” And she would wrap up our little talk by telling me to guard my heart for it will undergo many breaks before I find exactly what I am looking for.
My friends would tell me stories about how they would spend the evening with a boy that promised them the world, then he would leave them the next week. It was soul-crushing to think how a girl would give a boy everything they had just to find empty promises.
Mom would warn me about giving a guy what he wants early on because he would take it and run. She would say, “Why buy the cow if he gets the milk for free?”
I remember dating boys who made me feel like I was the issue. Boys who would lie to me and I would find myself apologizing. Boys who would make poor decisions and say I made them do it like I pushed them to the point to cheat and lie.
Every breakup was accompanied by heartache and I would be convinced that I would never love again. I would ask my mother why I always seemed to find the ones that hurt me. And again she would encourage me to be patient and reassure me with, “Afterall love, you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince.”
Not only were boys making me feel less than, but I was giving them the power, too. I gave my heart away too quickly and I forgave too quickly, hoping this time would be different. I moved from relationship to relationship because I wanted to be important, feel beautiful, and be cherished.
After many talks with my mother, sister, and friends, I began to ask myself why I looked to feel those things through affirmation from a boy?
Mom, you were so right, boys can be deceitful and inconsiderate. Many at this age did want one thing. Several didn’t want to have to deal with girl emotions. There really are a lot of frogs swimming in this pond!
Sophomore year of college, I decided I was done being hurt. It was time to take a break from serial dating. After swearing off all men, I promised myself to guard my heart, be patient, and wait for God’s perfect timing. All of her advice had proven true, and it wasn’t worth the heartache. This year I would focus on studying and spending time with girlfriends.
It was in the dining room of my sorority house when I first met him. I must have sworn off men several hundred times in the last three days. But as I walked through the dining room, this one caught my eye. I tried to focus and keep going, but my feet didn’t seem to want to listen to my brain.
I watched him from a distance week after week. He was an engineering student and was there to study with a sorority sister that was also in the engineering program. By all accounts, he was driven and smart, after all, he was sitting there intensely studying week after week.
I would eavesdrop on their conversation. As I would hear him talk about his goals and ambitions, it made me wonder if he could be different or more mature. It made me think he might be somebody worthy of the me that my parents raised me to be.
I had just sworn off men and committed to a new me. I had just recently decided that I needed to learn to be comfortable and happy with me before I could be happy with a guy. Good grief! How was this for timing! Reminded me of another one of my mother’s little sayings, “Good things come when you least expect it.”
We started showing up and studying at the same time. Mainly because I had learned their study patterns and would strategically place myself across the room. We talked more and more each time.
One night the girl who he studies with called me over and we talked a while. That night as I was crawling into bed I got a text from him that later led to us going out. And you know what? He was the kind of guy who picked you up at the door and watched you get inside the house before driving off.
The one who was so respectful he wouldn’t dare kiss you on the first date even though you wanted him to. The ‘did you make it home safe’ sort of guy. The walk you to your car, pay for your dinner, bring you flowers kind of guy.
And I was slowly opening up and becoming the ‘I like where this is going’ kind of girl.
Well mom, what now? She had never prepared me for the good guy. We had spent many tearful hours talking about the heartbreaks, her giving me warnings and advice on waiting and guarding my heart, and always, always wrapping those talks up with her quirky proverbs and idioms.
I was surprised to slowly find out that this boy only wanted one thing too. But this time that one thing was to cherish me. My emotions were never too vast, he said they were justified. The only lies and tricks were when he hid surprises and sweet notes. And tomorrow doesn’t scare me as he lets me know that I am valued today.
So maybe girls, we really do have to go through a lot of frogs before we find our prince. But I didn't just find a good one, I found a great one.
