I work at a summer camp. This past year while working, I overheard a conversation between two kids coloring that still sticks with me today. It went something like this:
Kid #1: “Look at this monster I made.”
Kid #2: “I don’t like that he has purple hair.”
Kid #1: “I don’t need you to like it. I made it for me, not for you.”
They were 5 years old.
As children, we have an insanely wonderful sense of self; we do and say whatever we want and don’t care about the opinions of others. As we grow older, however, a need to impress and have people like us takes over, and that’s where our “cool selves” come into play. What do I mean by “cool selves”? If you’ve ever tried to impress somebody by being something you’re not, you have an inner “cool self.” The alter ego of yourself that likes a bunch of bands your true self doesn’t and laughs at jokes that aren’t funny. Your cool self is a parasite, eating away at all your genuine thoughts, likes, and feelings in the hopes of becoming a universally liked person. Your cool self wants to be the person whose name is brought up at a party and everyone goes, “Oh, so-and-so? I LOVE them!” Your cool self wants you to get along with everybody and anybody that walks into your life. Your cool self doesn’t want you to have any unique ideas or opinions that could be controversial or make people disagree with you.
Kill your cool self before it kills you.
Your tricky alter ego wants you to believe that you need validation from everybody in order to feel good about yourself. But the truth is, you don’t. Not needing validation from others is so much more freeing than constantly waiting for approval from everyone you meet. You don’t have to pretend to be someone you’re not.
How exactly can you stop doing this, you ask? Well, for one, be careful who you ask when it comes to seeking feedback on your thoughts/ideas/choices. You don’t have to ask everybody their opinion on what you’re wearing today; the response is not always going to be positive, but that’s more a reflection of them than you. People who are unhappy in their own lives tend to spread more negativity than others, obviously. So if you must ask for an opinion, make sure it’s someone you’re really, really comfortable with. Another way is to stop giving in to things that hurt you. You know what I mean, the rude YikYak posted about you, stalking someone you dislike on Facebook, anything that really makes you feel bad about yourself. Studies show that as a whole, people hurt themselves (physically and emotionally) because they just want people to like them. Finally, stick to your guns. Don’t say something just because you think someone wants to hear it and don’t conform to other people’s personalities. Make decisions and say what you really think. If you and a friend are going to Chipotle but you’d rather eat at Panera, say so. If someone shows you a song they think is great but you don’t like, say so. Talk about things you love. It’s the little things that can help make a difference in becoming who you really are. People will respect you more if you don’t react well to everything. It proves you’re actually a real person, and not a robot.
So, bottom line: leading a life where you feel the need to please everyone will lead to a very sad, unfulfilling existence, not the amazing world (where everyone loves you and nothing sucks) that you think it will. Not everybody is going to like you, no matter what you do. And that’s OK. In fact, that’s something to celebrate. By killing your cool self, you’ll be happier, healthier, and a better person, a version of yourself you can be proud of.
