I've always been overly apologetic. I don't know how I developed this trait, but I am always the first person to say sorry. Then, one night, something clicked inside of me.
I was in a crowded room, just standing there awkwardly (as I often do). Someone wasn't paying attention and walked right into me. I instantly blurted out, "Oh my gosh, I am so sorry!" Then, I realized that I did nothing wrong—I was just standing there and someone else walked into me. There was no reason for me to apologize for that. "Wait-" I said, but I didn't know what else to say. I wanted to point out that it was actually the other person who should have apologized, but that person just stared at me with a confused face. "Never mind. I'm sorry," I said before walking away.
I had apologized for being a door mat that someone had literally walked over. Something had to change. The empty apologies had to stop.
There is scientific evidence that reveals women apologize more often than men. It's not that women do more things wrong or that men are reluctant to apologize, it's just that women feel like they owe an apology for more things than men do. This is rooted in how women are taught to be people-pleasers, to be pleasant and not cause any trouble. It's also an act of power. You know the double standard: "He's a boss; she's a bitch." An assertive, powerful man is praised, an assertive, powerful woman is criticized. Excessive apologizing is a way of tranquilizing our words and our actions, to make us seem more passive. This has to go away.
I realized that I apologize if I accidentally speak at the same time as someone, if bump into their chair or if I'm in someone's way on the sidewalk. I apologize if I say something unexpected or if I am brutally honest with someone. None of these actions warrant an apology—they are merely acts of me existing. No apology needed.
Cutting the S-word out of my vocabulary has been a lot more challenging than expected. It's hard not to feel rude after accidentally bumping into someone, or even having someone bump into you, without muttering a simple "sorry."
The hardest part of this lifestyle change has been to stop apologizing for what I say. This doesn't occur as often as the little accidental apologies, but it's always the most impactful. I occasionally find myself in a situation where I say something that may not be ladylike. My instinct is to apologize, but what am I apologizing for? I can choose to use the same words as the guys if I want to. I apologize if I try to make a lame joke that isn't funny or if I accidentally create an awkward moment. I even apologize after trying to have an honest conversation. During a heart-to-heart I will spill my deepest thoughts and then apologize for even speaking about that. What is the point to that?
Here is your challenge: stop apologizing over nothing.
Don't degrade your worth by apologizing for your very existence. Don't apologize for being yourself. Don't apologize for being smart, successful or ambitious. Don't apologize for your feelings or your honesty. Don't apologize for being human. Don't apologize for getting what you want, even if someone else loses as a result. Don't apologize for getting a higher grade than your friend or a better promotion than your coworker. Do not apologize for someone else's flaws. I'm not telling you to be rude to others, but I am telling you to respect yourself.
Of course, there will still be the occasional moment where you should be sorry—but save your apologies for those moments. That apology will be genuine, because it wasn't wasted on something trivial.
