We all have an annoying little brat that we have to put up with, just because they happen to be family. For me, it's my cousin. She's six going on seven, and an absolute spoiled brat who cannot sit for two minutes without complaining about something or wanting something- loudly, stubbornly and repetitively. A week with her left me with frayed nerves, and I found myself dreading the sound of her voice, her attitude, and her selfish, high-pitched tantrums. I went out of my way to avoid being in the same space as her just so that I could save myself from hearing her constant whining, designed to drive you crazy till you gave in to whatever she wanted in the first place. I couldn't help but look on in disgust as I watched her parents shrilly argue with her and then give her whatever she wanted simply to shut her up. Late at night, I would let everything out to my mom since we were sharing a room (there were a ton of people living in a very cramped apartment for a week)- why couldn't they just draw a line and let her know that she couldn't cross it? I acknowledged that children are difficult to handle- they're obnoxious and still learning to care about anything other than their immediate needs and wants, and they're rarely logical (I personally don't really like children, although I get babysitting duty almost every time I'm with any part of my extended family- which was a lot of children since my family was pretty big). But surely they could make sure she didn't make a scene.

It got me thinking. How do you figure out the best way to handle children? It's really easy to look at someone else's bawling child and decide that they're a bad parent, or that the kid is a 'problem child' or too spoiled, or even think, I could do a better job than them.' So I decided to talk about it with my friends and found that even between my friends and I- regardless of how similar we were in personalities- opinions differed on how we thought children should be handled and why. Somehow, I was both right and wrong in my thinking and I learned a lot of things that changed my perspective.

A common thought we all shared was: Don't give in to the unreasonable requests of a child- instead, try to explain why they're wrong and why they shouldn't do something, and they will learn. I mean, yeah, no way, right? It seems pretty obvious that you have to teach a child how to behave in their early years, that you are the role model for that child, the one who is responsible for shaping that hot little mess in diapers into a functional member of society. But I just want to know: Have you ever been in charge of a child? Children are like little cherubs, with the hearts of stone. They have ten times the energy that you will ever have, stored in their tiny bodies, for the sole purpose of wearing you down till you just want to cry right back at them. They smile cute and talk cute and then ask you shyly for something and you think, "Aww he/she wants something from me, so cute, of course, yes, here, take everything". And then before you know it you're broke and on the streets.

Okay, I know I'm exaggerating but still.

So yeah, assume the parent is a weakling who can't stand their ground against their imp of a child when they were just learning how to talk and act on their own. Now the child is about five years old and no one is able to control them- not only do they frustrate their parents, but they shatter any semblance of a positive environment for those around them. Now, what?

I personally grew up in a family where a smack on the legs was normal if I crossed the line. This wasn't a regular occurrence or anything- my parents made a considerable amount of effort to talk to little me about how and why to do things but I was a little hellion (if I do say so myself) and sometimes, I crossed the line just for fun, to experience things firsthand or because I wanted to do what I wanted. When I got like that, my parents never hesitated to deliver a quick reminder that I could not expect the world to bend to my will or I would break. Their smacks almost never hurt me- in fact, many a time my mom would cup her hand so that it made a loud sound when she hit me, but I would feel next to no pain. Simply put, nothing hurt from those occasional smacks but my ego. I felt like this was completely okay because it taught me to read the signs quickly. As stubborn as I got, a single smack from my mom and you wouldn't hear a peep more from me. It got a bit difficult when I was older and they still smacked me simply because of differing opinions- but I suppose there's a cultural difference to be remembered here: I never thought of it as unusual because I was from a traditional Indian family (it was considered normal for parents to discipline their child by smacking in many families), although I later realized that I definitely did not like it and it had made things a lot harder for me to handle in my teens.

Friend A quickly agreed to my point of view: if your child was spoiled, a disciplinary smack might be necessary and shouldn't be frowned upon- but rather acknowledged as tough love. Friend B, was absolutely against it- he simply stated, “Don't be a dumbass and give in to the stupid shit your child demands, duh”. According to him, whatever goes wrong, hitting your child for the result of your own weakness was simply not the answer- instead, work on making your child understand how and why they were screwing up. Friend C too had a different opinion. According to her, a smack was not the answer. She herself grew up with something called 'bathroom time': when she misbehaved, she was sent to sit in the bathroom till she was allowed out again. She absolutely hated it, but the alternative was being hit which was again, unfavorable. She suggested the reward system: if your child does something right, reward them, if they do something wrong, take away some form of privilege as punishment. Good kids get nice things, bad kids don't. I immediately thought of how one's morals might end up being based off of whether you get something out of it or not- 'I have to be a good person in order to get something I want,' basically. I also didn't see the point of taking something away from the child if it wasn't related to the offense- wouldn't that just make your child feel worse about something that had nothing to do with the incident itself? Friend C and I quickly realized that we were brought up in two very different environments. I was brought up in an environment where I had the right to every privilege my parents granted me in the first place because I was their child, while she grew up in a family where everything was conditional; good behavior meant she was rewarded but bad behavior meant her privileges could be revoked. In a situation where I got a rap on my knees and still had dessert, she simply lost her dessert privileges as punishment. Somehow I felt like I had just been looking right through this difference- I couldn't believe I hadn't realized how weird her childhood punishments seemed to me and vice versa.

Now, I realized that I wasn't really right- children may not need a light smack to be disciplined. But I also knew I wasn't completely wrong; I couldn't see the reward system working for all children and I'd seen firsthand how simply trying to talk a child out of something doesn't always work very well either. I felt like not only had I made no progress on understanding how to handle children (without the help of the great all knowing internet obviously,) but I had taken a step backward. Then I had a conversation with Friend D. Friend D had also been part of a family where in his early years, disciplining had been carried out with spanking. He confessed that it worked counter-productively for him as a child since he associated spanking with hatred. For him, everything improved when he got older and his mom tried talking things through with him instead of spanking him. The most important thing he realized then was that not even our parents know if what they're doing is right. We're all just fumbling around, trying to have a positive impact on each other's lives, and parents, it turns out are the same. He learned that lesson when he found out that his grandmother had apologized for being so hard on her kids- she confessed that she just didn't know what was an okay way to punish her children. And then he said the most important thing I learned from all these conversations: “I think it's more important [sic] see how your child responds and grows out of the punishments you give them. I don't think following some absolute rule of thumb is healthy for either you or your child."

And then it hit me: All of us had derived opinions from our childhoods. We learned from them, found what we thought worked and rejected what we thought was not suitable for the guidance and growth of a child. But Friend D had hit the nail on the head- none of us were wrong. Everyone of us is different which means we respond differently to different methods of guidance. A smack might have worked for me and friend A, but it certainly did not work for Friend C or D. Friend B obviously had a positive response to talking things through, while I did not, thanks to my constant urge of wanting to just do things, which took away any voice of reason within me. So instead of declaring what a foolproof, acceptable method is to bring up your child, first and foremost, be ready to face hell when an angel-faced demon comes at you with everything they've got. Don't give in just to shut them up, simply for your own peace of mind- it only makes the next time worse because you're teaching the child that the more annoying they get, the more they get their way. And if you mess that part up, try to figure out how your child works, what they respond to and get going- we have enough spoiled kids in the world, let's not add to the turmoil.

So why am I writing this on a page dedicated to college students? I don't know because a lousy six-year-old got me raging and terrified of how my own kid would turn out and made me want to know how to handle it if it ever happened to me. Hey, it could happen- maybe you too, will find yourself tormented by a child you didn't mean to screw up. And maybe reading this eased your mind just a little.

After all, I bet you were a handful too.