my heart is not beating, but it is.
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my heart is not beating, but it is.

you were so worth it, i hope you know I would've saved you.

my heart is not beating, but it is.

I have no idea why I am writing this because I normally do not do this, I usually just write music reviews, my top 5 songs of the week and about different things. I do not think I have actually written a raw thing since the night I was trying to find out what happened. Many of you are probably like what is she talking about.... well, I found out "my person" who I had lost contact with for various reasons, who then I got back into contact with just a couple days before it happened.... Somehow he got into a car wreck, no one really knows what happened or anything. I"m sure there is someone out there who knows what happened, but I do not know that person or how to figure that out. When you find out that "your person", the person you wanted to grow with, learn from and have a life together no longer is in existence, you kind of lose your own existence, and no one understands that but you. Now what that person has said to other people, may not be what you thought, or what they told you but there is always 3 sides to every story, a his her and then the truth. You can try to let people know how you feel, what happened, or anything about the situation but no one will fully understand. No one will fully know what it is like to see people just moving on, when you are so broken and sometimes can not get out of bed but have to drag yourself to because you have responsibilities. No one will fully know what it is like to lose 3 of your closest people in 4 years...... I never will truly understand how other people or how they are dealing with this situation, but when someone wants to give you the world and you somehow end up losing your world....... What sick twisted deal, is that? Why did that happen? Why did the people who were with him not show up for him, and be a friend and make sure he was okay? I Have so many questions. And I will be honest, I will never get them. I will have to learn to live without him, and learn to live without the questions being answered. I will have to learn how to be okay without him. I will have to just keep his memory in my heart forever. I drove to the place he told me to meet him right before he died, and it baffles me that no one in his inner circle knows about that spot or who lives there.... There is so many things I want to ask him, tell him and say sorry for. I will be honest with you sometimes I cancel plans just to lay in bed and listen to the saddest songs and just cry because I miss him..... Sometimes I make myself get up and have plans just to keep my brain from not losing any more brain cells from the amount of times I listen to slow and reverbed songs because they make me think of the good memories now. I will never watch A Simple Favor anymore, and I will always cry when I see Blake Lively because when I see her, I think of that movie and then I think of how we watched that movie together, and he was paying more attention to his couch and me taking pictures then the actual movie. I will always want to be unblocked by his old snap just to see what was saved, and all of our old messages. I am actually glad I can not see our text messages..... Long story, not getting into it..... I Literally went and read them a million times the night I found out trying to realize where I went wrong, and regretting so many things. I literally sometimes can not move because I feel sharp pain from the guilt of not being able to save him from what he probably was trying to tell me? Maybe I"m over thinking things, and theres so many lies in tuned with the situation that I"m just trying to somehow feel better..... but when will it be okay? When will I Be okay? Cause I Just cry myself to sleep most nights, and end up getting like 4 hours of sleep and drowning myself in iced coffees to numb the pain. I think I keep thinking that sleep, listening to sad songs and crying will somehow bring him back. But then I wake up the next morning, and he still isnt here. I worry about his mom, even though I Never met her..... He loved her so much. He was a mommas boy. He was so smart, and tried to help me save..... He would be mad at the decisions I have made so far, and I always think about that when I do them.....Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe, and my anxiety is so bad that it triples the affect of feeling useless. Sometimes I aimlessly scroll on tik tok hoping that the pain will go away, and sometimes I get 4 hours of sleep and it isnt even good sleep. I"m not okay. I take my days moment by moments. I have no one to talk to, and that scares me.... This is how I truly feel, and I honestly did not want to post this but I figured it might help someone going through something about the same letting them know they are not the only ones. I need to go to bed, and this blog was all over the place. I might do more, who knows... I Honestly did not think people actually read my posts, but if you read this whole thing post a yellow heart and a blonde girl shrugging emoji, and if you cant do the emojis comment a simple favor on a monday to let me know you read this.....and if you think I should do more... because honestly, I am tired and have to wake up at 6:30 so I'm not spending all my time thinking about what else I wanna tell you guys. Just know I"m not okay, some days are harder than others and I cry probably every time I"m in my car and when I go to sleep. Life will be okay tho, do not really know how without him.... but we shall see...... miss him more everyday, and yes I do get on snap and cry when I see his name....... dont judge.... ok?

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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