Most of us have a little eccentricity.
Some more than others.
Some lots more than others.
For those of us who must, on a daily basis, fight the urge to climb climbable oak trees and chase large packs of pigeons, the holiday season poses a whole set of new challenges.
With all that exposure to bright lights, spiked eggnog, and the song Jingle Bell Rock, maintaining a façade of normalcy becomes especially difficult.
Here are some helpful tips to keep your eccentricity hidden this holiday season.
1. No Christmas Pick-Up Lines
That’s right. Normal people do not ask to be someone’s “ho ho ho.”
They will never utter the words “Are you a reindeer? Cause you sure know how to sleigh!”
And I doubt they even know how to form the sentence, “not being with you sounds sugar-plum-scary.”
2. When Someone Asks You What You Want For Christmas This Year, Do Not Say Any of These Things:
A warm and fluffy winter cape
An armadillo or a blue-ringed octopus.
A hundred or so helium balloons and a human-sized basket.
Instead, ask for something normal like makeup or money or food or world peace.
3. Keep the Dancing to a Minimum
You may have been a pro at doing “Soulja Boy” back in middle school, but that move will never fly at a Christmas party.
Do not imitate a scuba diver.
Do not hop up onto the coffee table and start doing the Macarena (unless other people are doing it too).
If you’re at your friend’s uncle’s Christmas party and they start playing The Nutcracker soundtrack, do not do any pirouetting. That’s right. No Assemblé. No Glissade. And ABSOLUTELY NO Entrechat.
And never, ever, ever grab one foot with the opposite hand and try touching your knee to your head. Very unacceptable.
Instead, pull out the classic favorite, “The Snap and Sway” (Note: The Snap and Sway is only applicable to general Christmas songs. If someone starts playing a dubstep remix of “Deck the Halls” you should transition to the standard hop-and-air-punch)
4. Tone It Down With the Ugly Christmas Sweaters
Yes. I know. It’s exciting that you have a socially acceptable opportunity to wear clothing that is covered in sequins and color and bells and everything not-normal, but that doesn’t mean you can let all your eccentricity hang loose. Here are some helpful tips for making sure your Christmas attire stays inside normal limits.
No face paint. You may want to go all-out when you show up to that party dressed up like a Christmas tree, but you do not have to cover your face in green watercolor paint. A green dress and some paper ornaments will suffice.
Keep it politically correct. If you are going to be around children, do not wear a sweater that says in bold, “SANTA ISN’T REAL.” As fun as it might be for you to get to be the one to explain that it’s actually Bailey the Christmas Bat who delivers all the presents on Christmas Eve, it is simply not your place to do so. Stay classy, please.
This holiday season, stick to standard Ugly Christmas sweaters covered in gingerbread and elves and other such family-friendly images.
Also, when you’re picking out sweaters, remember the phrase “count the bells before you buy!” Usually, around three is a safe number. You don’t want to get mistaken for a herd of reindeer.
5. If You Are Going to Sing "Baby It's Cold Outside," You're Going to Need to Get Another Person
I don’t care if you have an incredible vocal range and can do a dozen different voices. If you’re going to pass for normal, you cannot sing both parts. So suck it up, grab that cute Normal who’s standing by the punch-bowl and sing that politically incorrect Christmas classic in the way that it was intended to be sung.
6. Eat the Candy Canes
That’s right. Eat them. Yes, you can stack them up and make a little log cabin. Don’t. Yes, they can be sharpened into little red daggers. Don’t do it. Don’t. Don’t throw them at your cat, don’t hang them on picture frames (or your ears), and definitely do not crush them up and throw them up in the air like confetti.
Normal people do not play with candy canes. They eat them. So please, for the sake of maintaining normalcy, just eat them.
7. Do Not Shake a Snow-Covered Tree If Someone Is Standing Beneath It.
I don’t care if it’s your brother, your sister, or your Trump-supporting cousin. Normal people do not smother people with tree-snow.
Note: This principle also extends to snowball fights. If your family or friends are standing in a tightly packed circle, talking, do not pick up a snowball, turn to your little cousin Billy and whisper, “Ten points for whoever hits Aunt Martha.”
8. It's December, Not Pull-Out-Your-Grinch-Accent-Month
I think the heading says all you need to know.
9. Keep the Holiday Greetings Boring
There’s been a lot of debate among normal people about whether it’s okay to use “Merry Christmas,” as a greeting, or if it’s better to stick with “Happy Holidays.”
However, I would say that if you’re an eccentric, that’s not your main concern right now.
The most important thing is not to mention the Grinch or any of those Claymation Christmas movies from the 1970s. No “Merry Grinch-mas!” and no “All Hail Burgermeister Meisterburger!”
If someone greets you first, you are not allowed to answer with “Bah. Humbug.”
Also, don’t introduce yourself as someone else. You are not The Ghost of Christmas Karaoke or Frosty the Bro-Man.
10. Yes to Mariah Carey. No to Fruitcake.
Yes, I know. “All I Want for Christmas Is You” is a terrible song, but for some strange reason normal people really like it (maybe they’re really the crazy ones, I don’t know).
Anyways, you don’t have to sing along or try to imitate the vocal runs (honestly, it would probably improve the general Christmas cheer if you didn’t), but you should at least try to form some kind of smile when it comes on (additional note: smiling is not the same as smirking. If you need help learning how to turn a smirk into a smile, there are plenty of great online resources for eccentrics).
Also, generally people who are under the age of sixty don’t like fruit cake. Fruit cakes are really only there for decorative purposes, so just treat a fruit cake the way normal people do and crinkle your nose while grabbing a chocolate chip cookie.
Holidays are a stressful time of year for everyone, and for those of us struggling to keep our eccentricity on the down-low, it’s even harder. But don’t worry! By sacrificing your spontaneous individuality and the opportunity to have lots of mischievous fun, you can successfully take part in normal holiday rituals.
So with that, I’d like to wish you the best of luck on your normalcy endeavors and express my wish that you are able to find plenty of creepy elf ornaments to add to your collection.
