Just to begin, I want to apologize for how selfish this is. I tried to convince myself that many of the things I wanted to say would make you feel better. I wanted to believe that telling you the truth would benefit you. I wanted to believe that I wasn’t telling you in order to get it off my chest with the hope that you would think of me differently. I wanted to think that telling you everything I’ve felt would make a difference. I wanted to trust my intentions but I couldn’t. I realized that this letter isn’t going to make you feel better. It isn’t going to change anything or make you care, but instead it will most likely make you angry. You’ll be angry I interrupted your happiness. You’ll be upset that I lied to you. You’ll be confused as to why I bother trying to reach out to you. I wrote this because I’ve written letters on letters to you in a small journal. I wrote when I was angry, when I was crying, when it was one of the days I had the “screw it, I don’t need him” attitude, and I wrote when I had one of my horrible days and you weren’t there to talk to. I wrote all of these letters with heavy emotions, but today, I felt ready to write one last letter with a clear mind. I’m writing you because I need to tell you the truth for my own piece of mind, although it will change nothing. I’m writing you because I want to tell you everything I have had on my mind. I’m writing you because no matter what you think, what you say or what you do, it never changes what I think about you.n

You’re probably curious as to what I mean by “tell you the truth.” Remember how badly you reacted when I told you the truth when you asked me questions? You did not take it very well. I decided I couldn’t tell you anymore and therefore I couldn’t be with you either. I made excuses. I felt horrible. I still tried to talk to you and see you. I changed my mind and decided I had to tell you what happened just to get it off my chest. But just like this letter, it didn’t change anything. I lied about timing and it instead put me in a worse situation than the one I was in previously. The way you reacted broke my heart. It became too late to tell you the truth once it seemed that the score was tied. I told myself you wouldn’t believe me. I believed that you would have thought that I was changing my story to change your mind. For this, I am so sorry.

I used to catch myself thinking about everything that I could have done differently and everything you know about me. There are so many situations I didn’t have to put either of us in and things I never should have said. I think that’s something we can both agree on. Sometimes, I also think about what would have happened if I never told you anything at all, whether it had been a lie or the truth. I’ve come to the realization no matter what either of us did or said; the outcome would have likely been the same. This doesn’t make me upset anymore. What all of this taught me is that I was looking for my own happiness in the wrong places. Recently, I found happiness in bettering myself. I found happiness in being with my friends. I found happiness in working too much, and I found happiness in sometimes doing things by myself. I hope the same goes for you, and that you’re finding happiness in the things that you love. I also hope that if the next girl who comes into your life reads this, she is reminded of how it would feel to lose you. I hope she is also reminded that you chose her, not me, and not anyone else.

Thank you for helping me find happiness even though it’s no longer with you.