The following script is a rejected promotion for a new Disney theme park. It was released anonymously online with the message: “So that the public might know what they’re missing.”
Esteemed colleagues: I’ll admit, JustSplashMountainLand was a bust. In hindsight, it’s obvious that a park full of seven Splash Mountains was a bad idea.
While the exact details are confidential, I will concede JustSplashMountainLand cost us and we were rash, not considering that getting soaked and then standing in line, over and over, was a recipe for several cases of pneumonia. And when the animatronics began glitching during “Zipadee doo dah”...
After careful analysis, I present a new and exciting idea. A real cash cow. (Additionally, it will cover all those charges from our last venture).
JustSplashMountainLand failed because Splash Mountain was the wrong ride. After all, who wants to sit through a sideshow of laughing and crying animatronics, before hurtling over a waterfall in a plastic log? What is the “laughing place” anyway? I sure wasn’t laughing.
For too long, riders who hate sickening, long drops have only been able to ride one roller coaster: Space Mountain. Disneyland trips soon turn agonizingly tedious after suffering through the creepy, obscure storyline of Splash Mountain, the icy, yeti-ed terrors of the Matterhorn, and the horrible exoticism of It’s a Small World.
So park-goers rejoice! The newest addition to the Disney theme park empire is here, and it’s called JustSpaceMountainLand.
JustSpaceMountainLand features all the attractions of regular Disney, just designed exactly like Space Mountain! Every single ride offers the same eye-watering, starry fun, so you don’t have to wait all day for the ride you really want. Watch out for the Yeti-stronaut on the Dark Matterhorn, launch into the “laughing space” on Splash-Shaped Nebula Mountain, or scream with the Seven Dwarf Stars on Snow White’s Spacey Adventure. It’s an out-of-this-world opportunity!
Why Space Mountain? Space Mountain is one of the most iconic and celebrated aspects of Disneyland; it’s the absolute highlight of any Disneyland trip. People stand for hours upon hours for this ride; this is a coaster to unite the people, to entertain the ninety-nine percent who don’t actually enjoy the feeling of falling great distances.
Not to mention it’s one of the most well-designed rides at Disneyland. In fact, designers consulted with a real life astronaut to make this ride as realistic a simulation as possible.
In typical, frugal fashion, we save a lot of money by mass-producing Space Mountain. The ride itself is already quite low-budget, since aside from the coaster structure, not much is needed in the way of aesthetics. Space Mountain has functioned for over twenty years on age-old trade secrets: you know, those teenage interns who sit in the dark and shine flashlights. What a cool effect! It’s nice that the ride is completely dark, since it eliminates the need to put those kids in uniforms. In fact, this ride is particularly near and dear to my heart -- I remember being eighteen and acned, sitting three feet from the coaster track, waving my torchlight over my head in the cold darkness… beats flipping burgers.
Did I mention Space Mountain is also a mecca? You may have heard of the Space Mountaoists, a cult which travels and rides Space Mountain on pilgrimage. From their website: “Riding The Mountain puts one at peace with the vast, unknowable universe and allows one to enjoy the feeling of moving forward, without being able to see what exactly lies ahead. We must move ahead into the unknown, the dark. This is the Tao of Space Mountain. To ascend a great height, and spiral down to Earth once more in a series of right-turns, accepting the final left-turn with joy in one’s heart.” Beautiful stuff. Hey, I’m non-denominational myself, but imagine the revenue these pilgrims could bring to this park!
Colleagues: I ask you to remember the last time you visited Disneyland. Think of all those hours spent in line. The hot, burning sun. The distinct lack of places to sit. The pig-tailed, crying child two feet behind you. Why waste six hours waiting for your two minutes of pure, unadulterated joy, when you can wait 30 minutes instead? This is what a park full of Space Mountains would offer.
Friends, let’s build JustSpaceMountainLand. We’re ready for launch!
