Hello. If you're reading this, then the news is true: I've gotten older. And so have you.

Wait, I'm just being handed something via the electronic-mail. According to this, the month of June is the worst month for a birthday. The jury deliberated for a while. December put up a fight. But June threw a few haymakers in the final rounds and now reigns victorious over the pulpy remains of the Gregorian calendar, crowned the worst month in western culture to endure a birthday celebration.

In all my years on this planet, I've learned one thing for certain: Jesus got off easy. Try having a birthday in June, Son.

Why are June birthdays so bad?

"Wah!" you howl. "What's the big deal?"

Shut up. You don't get it. You never will. Why is June so bad? I'll tell you why. Because everyone treats every day in June like it's their birthday. Consider the following:

1. Various graduations of the high school and collegiate variety
2. Father's Day
3. Long weekends leading into 4th of July
4. That magical week after the end of school but before your get on your parents' nerves, demanding you get at least a part-time job
5. Warm Weather Mania (WWM)

These annual circumstances, along with countless others, warp the human brain. Birthday-caliber dopamine levels are released into the bloodstream of all people throughout the month of June. During this span, the average human's vanity levels increase anywhere between 80-108%. What is the purpose of a birthday? I posit the simplest explanation: to annually celebrate your individual uniqueness. These birthdays are straightforward enough to celebrate throughout the calendar year.

February 2.

April 13.

November 8.

These are random dates. They are perfect days to have birthdays! Why? Because there's no competition.

But, aha, in June, there's nothing but competition for attention. People act like psychos in June. I should know, I have a birthday in June and it makes me act like a psycho!

All that freedom, and fresh air, and sunshine, and weddings, and long weekends, and rooftop drinking—it's all suddenly so fucking available. Pent up by the rigors of society and social responsibility, everyone unleashes hell for an entire month in June. July is for sunburns. August is for bad news. June though? June is for selfishness. Everyone acts like it's their goddamn birthday in June, leaving those with actual birthdays, well, without anyone to hang out with.

How does a June birthday really work?

Oh, now you're curious? Where were you when I was 12? Okay, uh, I suppose June birthdays begin like any other sort of birthday. Invitations go out. What fun! If you have a fantastic partner, you might even get some organizational help. It gets a little sticky if your S.O. isn't super-best friends with your friends because it can require some weird intros via email or text. Minor complications. But, again, this is how most birthdays go anyway, I assume? You start by recalling the names of your friends. And, like, your exact friends. Friends you'd like to hang out with. On your terms. Maybe at your house? Somewhere else. Yeah. You don't want to fuck up your house with a party of jackbags.

See? June birthdays begin with your standard birthday emotional knee-capping. Still with me?

Then, the replies.

'No.'

After 'no.'

After 'no...' after 'no...'

With the 'no' come the excuses.

Out of town. Entertaining visiting family. Down the shore. Up the shore. Got an extra week off before the July holiday week. Gotta go visit the girlfriend's racist grandma in St. Louis before she dies. Cousin's wedding. Engagement showers. Brother is graduating from high school, gotta go back home. Bachelor parties (ahead of the September wedding).

Now, everyone has a friend or two with prior commitments for a birthday throughout the year. It's just a little bug bite in any other month. "Aw, Bellamy can't come to the barbecue. Oh well, catch up on Monday." But in June, it's not a single bug bite. It's a beehive on your balls and you are gonna get stung, man. By your friends. By your apologetic, well-meaning, reasonable, legitimately-excused, annually-absent friends.

So you keep your June birthday low key. One pal squeezes in one drink at the bar on your 21st birthday before he leaves the country to go surfing for a month—I dunno, I just heard that happened to a guy once. You take a selfie as you're playing "Overwatch" while still in your gym clothes and you go to bed at 9 PM, another birthday come and gone. The next day you wake up to see pictures on Facebook of your friends riding ATVs on a beach somewhere.

Now, even Tracer is laughing at you.

You swear to yourself it won't be like this next year. You promise your blackened heart you'll get invitations out mad-early. It makes no difference. Your life's already been made an irreparable weird-box by nineteen consecutive shitty birthdays, each recalled with dark, hollow precision.

What does a good birthday look like?

Man, what would a fun birthday even look like? Shit, I dunno. Dare I dream? I've often said that what month your birthday falls in has a greater bearing on your personality than any dumb fucking Myers Briggs / Voigt-Kampff / Cosmo / Harry Potter sorting-hat quizzes because your astrological sign will determine the type of birthday celebration you have each year. Don't underestimate its impact on how that forms you as a person.

I suppose I'd rank potential birthday activities in the following order:

1. Karaoke
2. Go-karting
   
3. Mini-golf
4. Rooftop bar space rented (no punks)
5. Petting a happy dog
6. Favorite food (outdoor restaurant)
7. Pizza (indoor restaurant)
8. 2 games of bowling, then leaving, because it's all downhill from there
9. Water sports; boats on fresh water > salt water
   
10. Backyard hangout with games and somebody else responsible for cooking
11. Indoor hangout, watching a trashy movie with cool people
12. "Twilight Zone" marathon; imitating Rod Serling to an empty room
13. Rollercoaster, somehow
14. Blackout drunk watching "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen"
15. A bar, any time
16. A club, any time
17. Playing "Overwatch" in your gym clothes, in bed by 9 PM
18. Reviewing @-mentions of people who agree / disagree with this list
19. The beach, any time

Happy birthday, Juners! Drink a gallon of water every day, it helps you maintain your youthful features. You'll die better-looking.