May is Mental Health Awareness Month and as it comes to a close, I wanted to share a journal entry I wrote when I was twelve years old. This was the day I lost my father to suicide.
Only a few months ago I was rummaging through old possessions in my room and I came upon an old journal of mine. I was never one for keeping a diary or journal much, but it was a gift to me from one of my mother's best friends, so now and again I would try and write in it. Mostly I wrote about boyfriends (in middle school, that was a big deal). Then things in my life started getting overwhelming and I would write poetry or vent in my journal because I didn't want to talk to anyone about anything.
By the time I was twelve years old, my parents had already been divorced for seven years, so I was used to that. That's pretty much all I knew so it didn't have a big effect on me. Though the older I got the more I noticed my father's severe depression, and I did not understand it; but I knew something was wrong.
When I found my journal, many memories came flooding back to me that I have buried in the back of my mind. To this day I still don't think about it in depth due to the sheer anger and sadness I will still feel. I still do not know if it was a part of grief, but I do not remember writing in my journal the day my father died. So when I found it this year and began looking through it, reading it was extremely difficult.
I have never shared my journal entry with anyone, but suicide still has a stigma and many people do not understand it. 1 in 5 Americans will experience a mental health condition in their life time while 90% of people who die by suicide have an underlying mental illness. People who have lost someone to suicide feel a guilt that is unlike any other, even when they know nothing is their fault. I am choosing to share this article because there are so many people affected that do not speak up, and I want to try and be a voice for those still scared to speak out about their grief or knowledge of mental health.
When I talk about my father to people who did not know him, I do not talk about his mental illness or how he committed suicide because of uncomfortable it makes people, which then makes me uncomfortable. I never wanted to make anyone feel bad. But this is real. The main thing I remember is coming home from school after running the mile in gym class to my mother's house, and she was downstairs with detectives and/or police officers, telling me to sit down and said your daddy passed away. When I asked how and she finally said he took his life, my memories from there are all a blur.
This is what I found in my journal from May 2nd, 2007.
"R.I.P DADDY I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND I ALWAYS HAVE
Worst day of my life. Today. He's gone. I can't believe it. It's bullshit. It's not fair. I need a Dad. Even if he's messed up. Just a step-dad isn't the same. Why today? I mean did it really have to be? What did he do to deserve this? He meant well, he wanted to get better. He was trying to get better!! I may not have had the best relationship with him, but I don't care, neither me or him deserve this. Last time I saw him was Sunday, today's Wednesday. That's the last time I talked to him, too. I said "Bye Daddy, I love you, I'll call you later or somethin'!" Last thing I ever said. I'm so sorry Daddy. I was going to call you, I'm so sorry. I was tonight too, but its too late. Me and Claire were going to be at your house tomorrow. Daddy I love you so much no matter what I ever said. You ARE the best Dad I take back anything I ever said about that. You're the best. You're the nicest man I've ever known. Most loving, most everything. It doesn't matter you were mentally ill or whatever the hell you call it. It doesn't matter because you're my dad. Words cannot explain how much I still loved you and hoped and prayed for you no matter what happened. Just why now. Why. Why are everyone's dads dying, it's not fair. Sorry I was a brat and never patient. Sorry if I swear in this, I know you hate it. You don't want me to until I'm 18. I'm never gonna forget, you're a winner. You can do anything. Be a good kid, a good student, going to college, quit drinking, quit smoking. Who cares you did stupid things when you were young? You were a kid of course you did. You never did a stupid thing when you were my dad. Were? You still are and always. I promise Daddy I'll never smoke, never be an alcoholic, and ABSOLUTELY NEVER GIVE UP! And it's all because of you. You're my idol, my role-model, my dad. We all loved you so much and we always will. Promise me you'll always be looking down on me. I promise I'll remember when I have boyfriends, if you would approve. Daddy I don't know what else to say. You're up in Heaven with Matthew and Daniel. I hope you're happy with your sons and tell them I said Hi and I love them too. Daddy I love you so much you have no idea. I miss you so much already. Tell me how Heaven is soon, okay? I love you."
Don't be afraid to share your story. Mental health is so important and more people need to know how common it is and how many resources there are. Most conditions are treatable, you just need to be aware.
