It was a regular Thursday afternoon when Mikayla went into her interview with BestFoods™.

She was nervous, but reminded herself that she was qualified and prepared for anything. She had spent all of the day before researching the position she was applying for and the company at which she hoped to be employed. As she walked in, she told herself to smile and not to expect much, or so she told us.

According to Mikayla, her interview went far better than she ever could have dreamt. (Yeah right, let's all pretend that she isn't completely aware of how "brilliant" she is and that she totally doesn't lord it over us every day of our lives. Humility my foot.) The second she walked in, the interviewer looked her up and down, asked her what her name was, and resigned. When asked about the incident, he said that "hiring Mikayla would be the peak of my career.

As a hiring manager, I was acutely aware that there was no one else that could possibly top her, so I immediately resigned." After I asked how he could possibly know this after only taking a glance at her, he said that he "could just tell." (Insert eye-roll here.)

Mikayla not only got the job, but also got promoted to manager as soon as she was hired. I think I heard the interviewer mutter something about "the look and attitude of a leader." Who says I don't have the look and attitude of a leader, JANET?!

I could've written some hard-hitting pieces for you! I'm a qualified and competent journalist, but noooo, you had to go with Steven instead! Steven's a tool! He can't tell left from right, much less distinguish between investigative and gonzo journalism! So instead of hiring me, JANET chose Steven, and I'm stuck at some second-rate nobody newspaper that's got a one-way ticket to bankruptcy.

NO, I'M NOT BITTER, STEVEN! I CAN HANDLE REJECTION! I'M NOT A ONE-DIMENSIONAL CRYBABY LUNATIC, UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE I KNOW! OH WOW, LOOK AT OUR LITTLE GENIUS! LOOK EVERYBODY, STEVEN CAN DETECT VEILED INSULTS! I'M SO GLAD JANET HIRED HIM!

*Disclaimer: This is satire. There is no way you can possibly get promoted the second you are hired. If you do somehow manage to do that though, give me a call because I'd love to have some of your tips.*