So I’m flying to Ireland today, and I had a great idea for an article. While I was at the airport, I was going to find a Belgian. I had no idea what I was going to ask this Belgian. Probably what his or her (definitely her) favorite part of Belgium is, who the most famous Belgian is, what color her toothbrush is… You know, normal interview questions. I was going to call this article “Interview with a Belgian,” and it would have gone viral.

But Aer Lingus ruined that.

Instead of being in terminal three of JFK with Air Brussels, Aer Lingus is in terminal five with Hawaiian Airlines and Jet Blue. I didn’t think “Interview with a Middle-Aged Tourist” or “Interview with a College Student Returning Home for the Summer" would be that successful, so I decided to write about anything that came to my mind.

A lot of things go through my mind.

I’m about to board the plane now. This should be fun.

Wow! I love all of this leg room that I have! My knees are quite snuggly with the chair in front of me.

I get to sit right next to the engine! This is marvelous! I always wondered what it sounded like to be inside a vacuum cleaner.

Time for the safety brief: buckle your seatbelt, don't smoke in the cabin, don't give Denzel Washington any more liquor. They told me to pay attention to the speech, but all I can think about is how cool I'd look in that green blazer the flight attendant is wearing. Do you think it comes in a men's 42 regular?

Take off time! It's a like a much more expensive, much less entertaining roller coaster that lasts six hours. I like to lift my hands up and feel the extra g-force pull them down. It almost makes up for a severe headache and sinus pressure that I'm soon going to have.

It's fine. I'm fine.

The view from my window is incredible. Clouds, clouds everywhere! They appear to be cumulo-nimbus. Ah clouds, you're wonderful. OK, I’ve had enough clouds.

Time for some in-flight entertainment. Bowling arcade doesn't sound too bad. Maybe I'll be better at this than I am at real bowling?

The music in this game. I can't bear the music! It's like the opening theme to a 1997 children's educational bus about dinosaurs.

Now kids, dinosaurs were dangerous, just like strangers. Always wear a helmet!

Well that documentary went in an unexpected direction.

Eight frames into video bowling and I realized I can move the ball around and change the power. I ended up scoring a 65, which is much better than I do in real life. So there's that.

Here comes the drink trolley. I get an orange juice every time I fly. There's no liquid in the world I love more than orange juice.

OK, so the flight attendant gave me apple juice instead of orange. I couldn't say anything, though, because she was so nice and had pretty eyes. Apple juice is OK, I guess...

I think I'll pick a movie now. Ah! They have "The Commitments"! I love that movie! I want to watch something new, though. I've always heard "Wedding Crashers" is good. Looks like it's you and me for the next hour and 59 minutes, Owen Wilson.

Wow, this movie starts off with a terribly heated argument between a couple. I hope that if I ever get married it doesn't end like that.

And then Vince Vaughn shits on marriage. Splendid.

Update on the apple juice: It wasn't that bad.

I'm 18 minutes into the movie, and I just witnessed Owen Wilson fall in love with Rachel McAdams.

26 minutes and I'm in love with Ms. McAdams as well.

The flight attendants are bringing us food! Airline food, what up with that? Am I right? No? OK, whatever.

I went with the pasta, but I half-expect to open it and it to be the beef instead.

Yes! It's pasta. And it's not too terrible...

Speaking of terrible, Rachel McAdams' character has a boyfriend. Owen and I are both heartbroken.

I opened my window to check on the clouds. They're still there.

One hour and 13 minutes in and Vince Vaughn dropped a great “The Most Dangerous Game” reference. Respect, bro.

He then proceeded to become the most dangerous game. I see what you did there, Vince.

You know what, Owen? I know that Rachel's boyfriend is a dick and is cheating on her, so I won't fault you for trying to win her heart. But stop lying to her! That is not OK! And are you really trying to woo her by playing slaps? That's ridiculous! Wait, you actually just wooed her by playing slaps. Oh my God! I'm totally going to play slaps with the next girl I like. Well, I hope she doesn't read this. Then she'll know my move.

One hour and 27 minutes and Rachel hates her boyfriend and Owen. Time for me to write her a love sonnet. Ladies love sonnets.

Not that your plan to pretend to be a waiter and win her back isn't great and all, Owen, but without the happy music playing in the background, it's kind of creepy. Besides, what have I told you about lying to her?

One hour and 37 minutes. Owen Wilson has degraded into Old Yeller at the end of "Old Yeller."

One hour and 42 minutes. Will Ferrell makes an appearance as the worst human being ever.

Of course, it ends happily with a shot of the Washington Monument. Moral of the story? Lying is OK as long as you say that you're lying.

There are still three hours until I land. I'm starting to resent you, airplane. You do offer over 400 music albums, though. I have wanted to listen to "To Pimp a Butterfly" for a while, so let's find that.

No? Don't you have that? You have "Hurley" by Weezer, but you don't have any Kendrick. I can even listen to Dierks Bentley because I'm 14 and think listening to "Drunk on a Plane" on a plane is meta, but I can't listen to Kendrick.

Adele it is.

"Send my love to your new lo-over, treat her better!"

Okay, I'm Tired of Adele. Get it? It’s one of her songs. Don’t worry, I didn’t get it at first, either.

Moving on. Irish pulse, that's an interesting genre.

No no change that that's bad that's bad.

I have problems focusing on songs.

And things in general.

Maybe some Train!

"We don't need a reaaa-" "lady's and gentlemen, the captain has turned on the fasten seatbelt sign. Please remain seated until the fasten seatbelt sign has been turned off-" "Son, Picasso's at the wheel!"

I like the commentary in the middle of the song by the Irish lady with the nice blazer.

I found a Barenaked Ladies album, but it doesn't have “One Week,” so I don't care.

"Neighborhoods" by Blink-182! I'm 15 again! Or am I 16? I don't remember when this was released.. Shame Tom DeLonge is off chasing aliens.

Two songs later and I have decided it is for the best that Tom DeLonge is chasing aliens.

I just put on “Kids” by MGMT and the screaming at the beginning terrified me. Speaking of screaming children, I hope the one two rows in front of me is okay. He's a cute kid. He has red hair, so I'll support him. Solidarity, toddler brother. I have headphones, so the child's whining doesn't bother me, but I know there are people on this plane complaining about him. I know he's annoying, but he cannot comprehend what is happening. The air pressure is messing with his ears and he's trying to communicate his discomfort in the only way he possibly can. You and I can say things like, "Golly, I am experiencing discomfort," but all he can say is "wahhhhhhhhh." So let the poor child cope!

I can't find an album! Maybe there's one on my phone. Usually, I just listen to Spotify, but no Wi-Fi, so..

OK, why do I have so much U2 on my phone? I'm not talking like "Songs of Innocence" free stuff, I'm talking six full albums. I'm pretty sure I paid for some of these ! I love Bono more than the next guy, but this is excessive. The kind of excessive where you don't let people look at your music library because you're too embarrassed by owning the remastered edition of "The Unforgettable Fire." To be fair, it's not the most embarrassing thing in my music library...

Wait, how did Adele start playing again? You're freaking me out, Adele! I didn't click on you!

I just found a playlist option. Whoever sat in this seat before me listened to Bruce Springsteen, The Dixie Chicks, and Taylor Swift.

Taylor! I'll listen to some Taylor! Now, can I play a game at the same time?

That's a negative. But I want to try the brain teasers. I love when people pick on my brain. I'll start with the personality test! I love the music in this game. It's a mashup of my favorite elevator songs and doctor's office hits.

This is a strange test. It asked when I'm at a restaurant if I order for my friends, have my friends order for me or if we order collectively. Those are three very odd ways to ask for food. But I'm all about team work, so option three.

Would I like to be a counselor, lecturer or part of a sports team?

Uh.. None?

It told me I'm a leader who is liked by my team. Thanks, airplane. I needed a confidence boost.

Back to Taylor and time to watch the flight map. I'm pretty close to Iceland right now. I'd like to go to Reykjavik. It looks like a nice place. Okay, it's mostly because I like saying Reykjavik.

I think I'll watch another movie. "5 to 7," that's a short one, only an hour and a half. I didn't even read the description of the film. I'm just as nervous as you are.

It opens with a montage of Central Park benches and voiceover by an actor I don't recognize and can't google.

Two minutes into the movie, unidentifiable actor falls in love with a woman smoking a cigarette, recognizes the scent of the smoke as French, and proceeds to speak to her in French.

I hate this already.

Five minutes in, mellow dramatic cello music stops playing. Seven minutes in, I stop watching.

The flight ends in less than two hours; I won't be able to finish any of these movies. Luckily, my spot was saved on that Taylor Swift album!

See, if I had Wi-Fi, I’d be watching the Warriors game right now. But n, Aer Lingus doesn't have Wi-Fi on their Boeing jets! I'll just stare at this map some more then.

Oh, I can see Copenhagen! The Danes and the Swedes had more wars between themselves than any other two countries in history. Sweden usually Denmark'd up their opponent.

It is very much night time outside right now. I can't even see the clouds any more. I wish I could sleep, but it's only 10:45 my time. So yeah, not gonna happen. I'll try, though. I have one of those broken donut-shaped neck pillows to stabilize my head. I should bring this to my classes next semester. I'm sure all my professors will admire my blatant admittance that I'm not paying attention.

Seatbelt sign went off, time to do sprints!

Maybe I'll challenge the flight attendant to a race for her blazer. I could get it fitted for me. She's probably faster than me, but I'm pretty sure she's wearing heels. That evens up the playing field significantly.

I should think of things to get people while I have an hour and a half of absolutely nothing to do. I need to think of things they like first. I want to get souvenirs for ten people (I hope I'm not missing anyone, that would be real awkward). I know what I want to get for four of them, but the other six are tricky. Key chains, maybe? People like key chains, right? Maybe I’ll just write everyone postcards, instead. Now there’s a thought.

It is now 11:25 EDT, and I'm watching the sun rise. I also just took a picture out of my window like a goon.

Speaking of "Goon," there's a sequel coming out this year. The first one is a good movie. Eight out of ten recommend to a friend.

I should totally blog. I kind of like writing this nonsense. It has kept me occupied for the last five and half hours.

Yes! The flight attendants just handed everyone a breakfast bar and a little cup of orange juice! I got my juice after all! The streak continues! And "How You Get the Girl" just started playing on my playlist. I'm about to have a great four minutes.

"And that's how it works, that's how you get the girl-irl..."

Suddenly, the captain comes over the loudspeaker. He speaks like a very bored, very Irish Christopher Walken. He says forty more minutes and I'm out of this sardine canister.

I've gotten a bit garbled in this article. I apologize to my reader(s).

I just had the most horrible realization. The green blazer that I wanted to challenge the flight attendant for is actually a cardigan. I hate cardigans. They look like sweaters that people ripped when they tried to pull them over their heads...Then they just sewed buttons onto them to appear socially acceptable.

I can see land for the first time in a while.

Liam Neeson just hijacked my screen and talked to me about UNICEF. He has a nice voice.

The plane is turning! It's time to finish the roller coaster! U2 started playing, how fitting.

Its now midnight, but I have to accept the fact that it's actually 5 a.m., and that I'm not going to sleep for another 19 hours. The only way to beat jet lag is to ignore it.

Safety procedures part two!

“Welcome to New York” plays. I change it in my head to “Welcome to Galway.”

They just told me the temperature is 22 degrees Celsius. I'm American. I don't know what that means!

Still flying.

Still flying—oh God, I hate the landing part.

Whoever just clapped because we landed, I hate you.

Wait, am I in an airport or a cornfield?

Thank you for welcoming me to Shannon, captain. I will now go fill out my Visa paperwork, and you, reader, can finally stop reading.