This poem was a kneejerk response to receiving a letter from my father who I've never met. A lot of the imagery stems from my first childhood memories--on beaches in California with my grandmother, who stood in as a second parent from the time I was a baby. This poem addresses feelings of loss and abandonment, as well as conceptualizing personal identity when considering absent parents.
--
In my dream last night I was the smallest seed
With roots that barely touched the floor
Mary Janes swinging like two little girls
Back and forth
A see saw
And in the sea
I saw you wading away into
The water and then I saw you
Disappear
Abracadabra!
Just like that
It’s not much of a trick
And yet--
And yet, my face is your face
A psychic reflection,
Sea foam crisscrossing like telephone wires
Above our matching heads
His and hers, yours and mine
It all becomes part of the same stem.
In a sea of faces yours could disappear
Into hindsight except that
I know where you are and I know
What you’re all about
And I think I’ve met you before
In my sleep when I was floating
On my back in the crush and
The sky was my mirror.
There is nothing lost or gained in this ocean
Well, of course there’s climate change and
You know all about that coral bleaching and the
Sharks who sink finless into the depths
And the fish that float belly up into the combs
Of brittle beaches--
You know all about the bottom
The sorts of fossils that you could never
Conjure up
Except you’ve seen them
In photographs and on
National Geographic
And in waiting rooms and all those
Quiet
Apartments--
Like showgirls,
All dressed up and nowhere to glow.
In my dream the sun was my father
And his kisses gave me legs for days.
Can you imagine something like that?
