I've been writing things and then starting over for about 15 minutes now. I'm not really expecting anyone to read this, but I still can't help but feel like it's inadequate. I'm 24 years old and the last time I remember not being depressed or anxious was so long ago the memories feel more like a dream than my reality. The truth is, all of this came about because I was looking for a way to channel my sadness into something bigger than myself. Countless therapists have told me that if I love writing so much I should write about my trauma and the feelings that depression pumps into my brain. That is where you, reader, come in. I've sat at home procrastinating about putting my ugliest thoughts, feelings, and experiences out there for strangers to read on the internet. But here I am.

I'm sure, if you are reading this, that you're probably wondering who I am. I'm a 24 year old female from Texas. I had a rough childhood with a mother that cared more about the drugs and alcohol than the life she grew. My dad did the best he could. He's a police officer which meant he worked every holiday, birthday, milestone, and weekend protecting the families in our area while neglecting the little girl he had at home. The only thing he has ever taken seriously is his job. Don't get me wrong my dad is a wonderful human being that did everything he could to provide for me but at the expense of actually being there. In intermediate school I went an entire year without ever seeing my dad in the home we shared (but that's a story for a later date). Being a modern day "LatchKey Kid" had its positives (I'll tell some stories about those later) and it had some VERY REAL negatives including drug and alcohol abuse as well as gaining a questionable decision-making process. My grandmother was always there when I needed her, but that also came along with some serious narcissism among other things. My dad being the hopeless romantic he is had a string of step mothers for me growing up, none of them ever decent. Some came with children of their own that traumatized me in ways that I still have a hard time remembering. Shout out to my brain for keeping me safe as a young one! Those bad relationships followed me into my teen years where I met a boy that would damage my self confidence well into adulthood. Then in my young adult years I met a man that I thought had the power to fill in all the chips and dents that life had given me.. turns out the only thing he had the power to do was get my blood all over the carpets. I know that sounds like I'm brushing that off but, dear reader, I'll be giving him his own post. He may not deserve it, but I do. I deserve to have my story out there. I deserve to finally tell the world (no matter how few of you tune in) what I managed to pull myself out of and who I managed to turn myself into in the aftermath. I deserve some sort of closure.During all of this I would meet the man that I would one day marry. The best man a girl could ever ask for. He's been the lighthouse keeping me on course toward self love and healing and I can never thank him enough.

Now, there are many things that happened in the middle parts but that's the "movie trailer" version of my life. I got married in November of 2019 to the love of my life and that was the happiest and least anxious day of my life. Since then I have been chasing that kind of innate happiness. You know, the kind where you don't even realize that you have depression or anxiety. The kind that keeps you up at night reliving those moments. The kind of pure bliss that comes with marrying the love of your life. Yeah, that kind. I've been chasing it and I've come to realize that the more of the bad things I get out of my head the more room I have for those happy ones. That is when I decided that 2020 was going to be the year that I turn the darkest days of my life into something that I could be proud of. I just want to put my story out there so that hopefully I can help just one person realize that this life isn't what you want and be that push that helps someone climb out of this place and into a place of "marrying your best friend" type happiness. Now I realize that to some of you I may be talking straight gibberish, but to those of you that understand the place I'm in I hope you can get something from me putting myself out there. I'm not really sure where this will lead or where I will end up, but know that I am finally putting up the fight I should have started long ago. 2020 is the year of finally loving myself even if I have to expose the ugly truth of my life to strangers on the internet. May those strangers turn into friends and may you love yourself the way I want to love myself. Happy day 6 of 365. Time to make this year my bitch.

p.s. Don't expect some scholarly work from me. I'm using this as basically an online diary that might be able to help someone else out there besides myself. And if you are reading this know you are not alone and that despite not knowing you I'm your friend when you have nowhere else to turn. If you need to talk I am here. You are valid and you are loved.

If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts or actions please call 1-800-273-8255.

If you or someone you know is struggling with alcohol or drug abuse please call 1-800-622-4357.

If you or someone you know is in an abusive situation please call 1-800-799-7233.

Much love from Texas,

Your Friendly Neighborhood Survivor