I was young when you left, seven days shy of thirteen to be exact. I had left school early. It was just another boring day in a hot room with the same kids who picked on me. I hated that junior high and after finding out the reality of June 21st, I learned to hate it even more. I thought I was going to get into trouble when my father and brother pulled up behind me on Castleton Avenue. I thought I would get yelled at for being outside of school before dismissal and I knew they wouldn't understand why I left. I was selfish. I didn't realize how leaving school on that day would stick around to haunt me in my adult years.

I wish I had been stronger for you. I didn't want your last memory of your granddaughter to be of such disappointment. I should have stood-up to those bullies. I still hate that I was so weak, just another weight on my shoulder, papa. Honestly, I panicked the whole ride down to your house. I tried to come up with an excuse as to why I was wandering down the block in the morning. It wasn't until I heard the raging sirens blaring near our car that was somehow hovering over traffic that I began to grow nervous for other reasons. Even more so when no one would give me answers. What a long, dark, restless nightmare. I won't continue the story, its too painful to relive.

One of my biggest regrets was losing you while I was too young. I'm not naive, I do understand that people can't live forever. I just wish I could've had you around me in my teenage years. You left me when I was barely a teen and with everything else going on around me it was just too excruciating. Again, I'm selfish, but I'm not going to apologize for that. I have to express it because on top of many other things, I am hurting in different ways. It took me years to not cry so easily when I thought of you, and writing this is breaking me apart. I wasn't able to talk to you about my parents getting divorced, or how I hated school. I never got to ask for the recipe to your dumplings. I barely remember times we shared, mostly because I am getting older. It has been over 15 years and one of the strongest memories I have was watching "My Girl" with you in the living room while mama went to bingo. I can remember that I ate fried dumplings with tea in the mornings, and sometimes porridge with crumbled crackers. I know you loved your OTB and I still remember the sound of the worn leather recliner as you sat to call in your bet. 143-21-06-Calypso

My greatest fear is that I lost a part of me that I will never really know. I have been struggling with fitting-in all of my life and now I feel like a piece is missing. Your departure left much to the imagination and I want to tell you that I was so angry with you. I wanted you to tell me what your father was like, and how you felt when you met mama. I wanted to know what it was like being on a ship as a young man traveling to America. I knew you were born in Jamaica, I saw your passport, but I didn't know what that meant. I still don't understand it when I say I am part Jamaican. What does that even mean? Well, papa, I started reading "Wide Sargasso Sea" in college and the content is rich with a story similar to yours. Page-by-page the facts were slapping me in my face. It was then I decided to research your life in Jamaica.

You left me with so many questions I thought would be left unanswered, but I think I know why.

Today, as a twenty-eight year old woman, I understand what you had wanted to create for me. You gave me such a worthy mission to complete, using my own ability to investigate and learn things first-hand. With the fading memories of the rest of the family, and the long hours spent researching their dates and actual documents online, I have uncovered the most hidden of truths and I can't be upset with you anymore. You gave me the will to pursue what I want. I feel that with each click of the mouse on the internet, and every clue brought to another clue, I am that much closer to you. I am finding myself each time a discovery is made. I guess I'm not so weak after all.