I’ve never had a boyfriend. No, my seventh grade boyfriend Joe doesn’t count. Sorry, Joe.
For my entire high school career and my college career so far, I have been utterly ashamed of my non-existent dating life. It seemed like all my friends had boyfriends, and everyone in the world other than me had someone. When someone would talk about their embarrassing high school romances, I wanted to scream. At least you had that experience. I would have killed for the angsty, awkward, cringe-worthy moments like a John Hughes movie, without Jake Ryan.
There was no explanation for me other than to believe I was damaged, too damaged for anyone to want to take on. I’ve been so mean to myself over the years, blaming my body, my voice, my opinions, my passions, ripping myself to shreds like I assumed every boy I ever spoke to did.
I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’m saying it again just because I can’t believe I’m saying it at all.
Sometimes I wonder if I had lowered my expectations then I would have found someone. I mean, no one’s expectations can be too high for an immature high school boy. But what if? What if I had told myself to date the boy I didn’t think was that cute or that smart but gave me attention?
I’m not saying I’ve had some huge revelation, or that I have the answer to every question I’ve ever asked myself about my (missing) dating life, but I don’t want to answer the what ifs. It’s incredibly cliché, but I think there’s a reason I never lowered my expectations, or dated just anyone, or dated at all. One reason is that I have standards, and I realize now it’s OK to have high-ish standards.
The other reasons I don’t know. I don’t know if I believe in fate or destiny, but I do believe that there is someone out there who is just as lonely as I am. And maybe one day over coffee or dinner we’ll laugh about how we never thought we could be loved, and just how much we love each other.
My not dating does not take away from my self worth. If I could go back and tell myself how smart, funny and kind I was, I would give everything I own away to do that. I let myself harden and change because I thought I was this "untouchable." But I'm not a different species because of it. I'm still me. I'm still smart, funny and kind of pretty (still working on the confidence thing). No boy can take that away from me. Besides, the only man I'll ever truly need is my dad.
I’m 19. I’m in college. I’m trying to decide what the hell I want to do for the rest of my life. I don’t have a boyfriend, and right now I don’t need one, and that’s OK.
