"I just want to be the girl someone is worried to lose.."

Unfortunately, I said this to myself just last week.

In high school, I was such a happy person. I never met a stranger, I loved meeting new people. It wasn't until a relationship tore me apart and I hit rock bottom. It really messed me up and to this day I don't think I've truly healed completely. Although I've become much stronger and I've been able to work on myself, it's still been hard for me to open up to new people in my life. I tend to think I ruin things before they even start. For the past few years, I've blamed most of my relationship bumps on myself. I don't want to call them mistakes because mistakes are things we regret, and I don't regret these situations I've been in. They've helped me grow as a person tremendously. I call them bumps because that's exactly what they are. They're just bumps in my relationship road on my path to the man of my dreams.

One of the most common bumps is blaming everything on myself. I constantly blame the lack of communication, the lack of common opinions, the lack of trust, kind of just a lack of everything -- on myself. I have a very hard time allowing myself to truly open up to people and be completely comfortable with them; I've had such a hard time in the past with continuously opening myself up to failure that I've started to just build a wall around my true feelings and thoughts to cater to others.

I've always been the one to apologize first, regardless if I did anything wrong or if I was truly sorry. I never want anyone to be mad at me; I try to please everyone which in turn hasn't really gotten me very far. I don't often feel as if I'm a priority in these possible relationships I have, I feel like I'm more of an option or just someone they put on the back burner until they've gotten bored and move on with whatever they find next. I often feel replaceable as well.

Recently, I caught myself apologizing to someone who truly didn't care about me. He could careless what I wanted or if I was happy with the way things were going, it was all about him. At first, I thought that's what I wanted. Someone who was able to take care of himself and not have to rely on someone else to make him happy; honestly because that's what I've been doing the last few years, but what about me -- shouldn't my happiness be important to him, too?

Why doesn't someone want to take care of me for once -- be the person I call when I've had a bad day or someone that wants to spend time with me because they want to, NOT because they have to. Now, I'm not saying that I need to be taken care of; in one of my recent articles I stated my long term singlehood lifestyle and how I've truly done just fine on my own. When it comes to guys, all I really want is someone to be more interested in spending time with me and learning about my thoughts about things and goals in life rather than how I look and when we'll take things to the "next level" -- as if that's the most important thing in the world. All girls want is to feel important, as if we really matter to that person.

I'll admit, I don't believe I'm the most beautiful girl in the world - although, my parents often say they have the most beautiful daughters in the world, I think they are a little biased. I view myself as a beautiful person, not just from my looks but by my heart. I have a huge heart that I love and I often allow way too many people to have it, more than likely people who don't deserve it.

I've finally realized it's not me, I'm not the reason why these relationships I want so badly to work have failed. I know now that I no longer need to be apologizing for sharing my feelings or even having feelings. I no longer need to worry about catering to others in order for both of us to be happy, because in the end I'm not happy at all. If I have a thought or an opinion I should be able to share it and not have to worry about "harming" that relationship.

I'm a very emotional person, so when I have something that's special to me, I tend to put a lot of effort into it. Most of the time, I put in about 95% and receive maybe 50% in return -- if I'm lucky. So when I do allow people in and "feel" comfortable with them, I find myself treating people better than they treat me, which often of course leads to more room for heartbreak. I have such a hard time allowing myself to accept the fact that I am enough -- I have so much to offer and I'm selling myself short. But I'm done doing that. Since I've started writing articles I've been able to do more of a self reflection. I've realized so much about myself in the last few weeks that I haven't really thought about in a long time.

I AM BEAUTIFUL!

I AM INTELLIGENT!

MY FEELINGS AND OPINIONS DO MATTER!

AND I DO DESERVE THE WORLD!

So, here's to no longer allowing myself to think less of myself. Here's to being strong, because regardless if I'm alone or with someone I'm going to achieve so many things in life. Someone will come along one day, to love me for me. They'll love everything from my flaws to my achievements and everything in between. They'll support every goal, big or small. They'll appreciate my huge heart and the fact that I never meet a stranger. They'll understand I'm not perfect and I do make mistakes, although I try to always learn from them; however, I might not always have the easiest time correcting those mistakes -- I might need a little help and support. But they'll also realize that I love with my whole heart, I put so much effort into things I set my mind to, I love unconditionally and believe that everything happens for a reason. One day, someone will appreciate that!

But until then, I'll continue to treat myself & buy my own flowers!