“It’s the thought that counts.” This is a common phrase that I’ve heard since I was little. Only recently have I really thought about what this phrase means and realized how much I hate it. When we say this, we are either excusing someone for failing to do something you didn’t know about before, or we are excusing ourselves for falling through with a plan that we may or may not have tried to complete. This response on both the giving and receiving end can easily develop into a detrimental mindset.

Two Reasons We Shouldn’t Say This to Others:

This phrase particularly annoys me is because it’s an excuse. The thought’s not what counts, it’s the results. Results are worth a thousand thoughts. When a friend tells you about something they were going to do for you but didn’t for whatever reason, you probably wish they did it. I know that’s how I feel. Saying “it’s the thought that counts” is excusing them while communicating that it’s not a big deal. And it may not be, but when it is, this phrase brushes it off so the other person will never know. That leads to my next point:

It’s not honest. Saying “it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t indicate your thoughts and feelings about the matter. It doesn’t accurately express to them how you feel when they tell you they were going to get you flowers, for instance, but didn’t because they thought they would’ve wilted. “Well, it’s the thought that counts.” No! Tell them you wouldn’t have cared if they were or that you wish they did. This example comes from a girl who loves flowers, but you could insert any example in here and have the same effect. Seriously though, just tell them how you feel.

Two Reasons We Shouldn’t Say This to Others:

It’s careless. When you say this to yourself, you’re more likely to tell people what you were going to do…but didn’t for whatever reason. Why tell them? If you didn’t do the thing you were going to do to surprise them, what’s the point in letting them know at all? The other person will probably only walk away wondering what would have happened if you did what you said you were going to do. Save the idea for another time, and don’t leave people wishing you did what you were thinking of doing.

If it becomes habitual in a friendship, lack of trust can develop. This is a more serious result. The more you tell yourself that “it’s the thought that counts,” the easier it will be to consistently use it as an excuse. Your friends may begin to wonder if you ever will do the things you said you were thinking about doing. They may start to distrust you to follow through in other areas. Stop saying “it’s the thought that counts” to yourself, just follow through and do it.

The biggest issue here is that the phrase “it’s the thought that counts” is not clear. Let’s take a step towards communicating effectively by eliminating this phrase from our vernacular. Even better, let’s start to think about what we are communicating in the phrases we use every day.