The following are (read: could be) actual diary entries from my Password Journal 2. These are entries I would have written under an ultraviolet light, invisible ink pen in hand:
Yesterday: Procrastination is my boyfriend. We’re “in an open relationship” on Facebook. My friends and family don’t approve, but I don’t care, I love him a lot. He keeps me on my toes. After spending the day together, my heart races, my blood pressure rises and I can actually feel the caffeine flowing through my veins!
He says I’m optimistic; like I actually believe I can finish two weeks’ worth of homework in two hours. Like I can always sleep in a little longer because every light will miraculously be green. Like concrete, 11:59 p.m. deadlines are never really set in stone. Like anything I do right before it has to be done will magically work itself out in the nick of time. He believes in me! (So naturally, I believe in him.)
He’s good to me, too. The other day, I decided to get a jump on an essay that’s due… right now actually! and when I logged onto my computer he had already opened Netflix and YouTube for me! After eight hours of "Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives", he helped me paint my nails, reorganize my closet, file my taxes, my divorce papers, the miscellaneous files in my filing cabinet and so much more. I’m so happy I can visualize a future with him. A sad and tired future… but a future nonetheless!
Today: So, we’ve dated on and off for as long as I can remember and he’s cheated on me every single night. With everyone. Literally, everyone. I know we’re in an open relationship, but I saw him texting my best friend, emailing my professor, even flirting with my grandma and I can’t do this anymore. He feels entitled to invading anyone else's life simply because he can. And where that feeling came from is far beyond me...
This is just great. I’m crying now and no, it isn’t because I could have so easily completed a paragraph or two of this paper once or twice a week instead of cramming the whole thing into one sleepless night. It’s not because I could have used the 30 minutes I spent watching videos of Bernie Sanders dancing over Drake songs actually doing my share of research for this group project (and now I have nothing to show for and am that project partner). It’s not because I literally won’t have enough time to sleep and bake these cookies for the breast cancer awareness bake sale like I promised (knowing I had too much on my plate already). It’s not because I’ve been too busy “being busy”… It’s because he cheated on me and I still love him and I don’t know what to do.
Tomorrow: We broke up. My blood pressure is back to normal and my grades are better than ever. I’m sleeping more, crying less, and the weight of this punctual world has been lifted from my shoulders. My assignments are all in, my exams are all done and now, finally, instead of time controlling me, I control time. I’m thinking ahead and executing all future plans to a T...
Oh, Password Journal 2, how easily blinded I am by love. How blatently toxic our relationship was... Luckily I know now that from this point on, even so much as a single thought about him again is a complete waste of time.
(Next week)
I miss him.
