"When things are bad, they're the worst, but when they're good, they're great."
All of my friends will quote me as saying that in my last relationship. How many of you reading this right now know exactly what I meant by that? As you read on, I want to be crystal clear: I am not saying I was perfect. Every relationship takes two people to make it or break it. But I will not take responsibility for his manipulation of my mind and physical altercations.
I said that sentence above to my best friends after every fight. I said this sentence on countless drives home at 2am when I had work the next day because of a fight, and had called a friend crying. I defended every bad action because I loved him. I struggled with our arguments because I knew I loved him, and I knew I loved myself more. I just didn't know how to act on such intense emotions.
My ex always tried to make me feel like I was the problem. When I wanted to go out with my friends, I knew I would be coming home to a fight. And I was made out to be wrong for going out to a bar or a club. Can I remind you I'm 22? If he saw I was texting my best friend, he was ready to fight because my best friend is a guy and he couldn't get over this idea that I would hook up with my friend. He did not trust me because of his own insecurities, and while I tried my hardest to be understanding, I had done nothing to deserve such a blatant lack of trust.
Once, we fought, and we screamed. I went to leave his house and got thrown into a door. I promptly ended the relationship, while caught in a red haze of anger, fear, and intense sadness. I want to remind my readers right here, right now: your partner should NEVER threaten you, you should never feel fear at the hands of someone that you love. Like many people, I give too many chances. We got back together after a couple months because he claimed he was finally seeking therapy regarding some things he had going on. I honestly don't even know if he was ever actually diagnosed with any disorders, but again, I was supportive and happy he was seeking help. I thought he'd changed and I was ready to hold his hand through it all.
Somehow, some way, his therapy sessions ended up including me for couples counseling. He stopped personal therapy sessions altogether, and suddenly he wasn't seeking the help HE needed anymore, he had invited me into a session to place blame on me. I don't know why I agreed to this. I was vehemently against it, probably because I knew I wasn't actually doing anything "wrong." I loved him and did not want to give up on us, though, so I went with it. It didn't help because it wasn't meant to be.
All that being said, this person helped me find parts of myself that I knew I wanted, but couldn't locate. He helped me embrace my sexuality, articulate my progressive views, and offered a fantastic sounding board for all new views I was unclear on or wanted to talk about. Like I said, when things were good, they were great. This guy managed to find a way to simultaneously embrace and nurture my soul while throwing water on the fire that burns in me. I've contemplated writing this for a long while because I don't want any of our mutual friends to read this and think that I am bashing him, but I also refuse to keep my feelings quiet for the sake of their opinions. Do I miss him? So often, I do. The good side of him. Is this okay? Absolutely.
It's so easy for people who haven't been in our situation to judge our actions and tell us to just "let it go." It's not as easy to practice that. I am at peace with our past, and I am moving forward and happily so. I would be silly to tell someone else to get over it. You see, our relationship was an investment in many areas, especially emotionally. In the end, I quickly took scissors to whatever strings we had holding us together, and I snipped them as hard as I could. There is nothing wrong in mourning a lost investment, and there is nothing wrong with missing someone you loved, no matter how terrible they were. But please remember this: there is nothing wrong with loving yourself more (than anything, or anyone).
*** If you or someone you know is involved in any sort of abusive relationship, please urge them (or I urge YOU) to seek assistance immediately. You are worth more than that, so are you friends and family, and help IS available. There are too many types of abuse to link just one website here but asking for help is the first step and there is NO shame in getting yourself out of a dangerous situation. ***
