So a few days ago I crossed a relationship milestone. I told my boyfriend that I loved him.

Actually, I kind of blurted it out in this weird, awkwardly phrased sentence but he got the point. We were cuddling and he said something stupid that made me laugh and he was looking at me with that “crinkled up eyes from smiling that soft half smile” face that boys make and I said it.

And then the expected answer didn’t come.

I think there’s this preconceived notion that when one person in the relationship says “I love you” the other is obligated to reply. Which is exactly why I’ve spent the last few weeks stressing about whether I should tell him or not.

I called all my friends, asked their advice, asked when they knew they loved their SOs.

I played out different scenarios in my head of how I would do it. I talked myself out of it over and over again. Thinking “maybe I don’t mean it”, “if I’m thinking about it this much it’s not time”, “maybe I should wait until it explodes out of me”. All of these doubts and turmoil I put myself though because I didn’t want to make a mistake.

But I said it. And I felt SO much better. All of that stress and those doubts vanished. I was honestly pretty relieved.

I told my boyfriend that I love him.

And he didn’t say it back.

But I’m not bothered by that at all. I don’t want him to tell me he loves me just because I told him. I want him to love me on his own time, in his own way and with his whole heart. I don’t want a lie. I don’t want him to tell me something he doesn’t mean because he thinks it will make me happy.

I’m okay with not yet. I’m perfectly happy to see him and know that I love him and know that one day he’ll love me too. I know that he values me and that I’m his “favorite person ever”, his words not mine. I’m so happy that I told him. So happy that I don’t have to worry and overthink it anymore.

He doesn’t love me yet and I CAN wait until he does.