You know when they say there's a pattern to everything? That you stick with what you know, go back to what you know, and things don't really ever change? I guess they're right. We have a pattern in the people we pick to be in our lives. Good or bad.
I've always been told that I'm attracted to the same type of guys. The guys that probably need to go to counseling, sad boys who don't know which way is up. Boys that need fixed.
I look back on the guys that have been in and out of my life for the past 7 years and all of them were hurting.
And I thought I could fix them. I truly thought I could change them.
As I sit here, I realize that I could never rescue them. I could never change them. I could never fix them. I put all of the blame on myself when things wouldn't work out. When they would make every excuse as to why they couldn't date me. "I'm not ready" "I'm too messed up" "I'm depressed". And I would still be there. I would let them walk all over me and treat me like I was nothing because they were "depressed" and didn't care about "anything". I made excuses for them because they were sad and I wanted to be there for them.
I would let them come back into my life when it was convenient for them. I would let them walk all over me every time. Then I would blame it all on myself when they decided to walk out of my life (yet again). I would blame it all on myself when I was unable to make them care about anything (let alone care about me).
But why did I do that to myself? Why did I feel like it was my job to fix them? Yes, I'm about to be a Social Worker and I have a heart to help people, but why did I bring that into every relationship?
That guy I tried fixing for so many months who told me he couldn't date me because he was too broken is now in a relationship. And I got sad because why wasn't I good enough for him? I sat there and listened to all of his issues. When he didn't want to kiss me, I was okay. When he didn't feel up to to seeing me, I was okay. When he wouldn't text me back because he was just too sad, I was okay. But now I'm not okay. I'm not okay that he decided I wasn't good enough for him to "fix" him but this girl was. I'm not okay that I let him use me for so long.
This kept happening over and over again in my life. I would get so close to dating someone but then they weren't "ready" just to find out weeks later they were with someone new.
But why was I putting the blame on myself? Who would want to date a guy who needed fixed so bad anyways? That poor girl has to deal with him now.
So it's not your job to fix him. Because at the end of the day, he's not going to change. He's going to be the same guy he's always been (and there will be warning signs in the beginning, I promise). You may think you have this power or in my case, the education, to help him get through whatever he may be going through but truth is you're putting yourself in a different category. You aren't making yourself dateable. You're making yourself his damn therapist.
There's a difference between listening and giving advice like a friend or a girlfriend would rather than him only coming to you when he's depressed or sad and wants to complain to someone. THAT makes you his therapist. And you shouldn't be that. No matter how much you care about him, he's probably not going to care about you if you've put yourself in the position of only listening to him and consoling him when he's sad.
You're better than that. You DESERVE better than that.
Stop making excuses for a boy who sees you as nothing but a shrink. Because he'll only contact you when he's drunk, crying to you about how bad his life sucks. And is that really want you want in a relationship? Some boy who only hits you up when he's incoherent and needing to talk? That's almost worse than him asking for a late night booty call. This boy will probably never see you and if he does, the whole time you're together you'll be talking about his poor life and never ask a single thing about you.
You get nothing out of doing this for him. Because at the end of the day, you can't fix him.
So as I sit here wondering what is wrong with me, I realize that nothing is. He just wasn't the guy for me. I got invested in the wrong person and now I know. It may have taken "dating" the same type of guys for years, but now I know. Now I can look for the signs of a really messed up man. And granted, we all have our problems, but there are some serious warning signs and red flags you'll notice once you realize that you only date charity cases.
I'm going to take a look in the mirror and tell myself that I deserve better than some man who is going to tell me he's too depressed to date me. Because I'm worthy of a man's full heart.
It's not your job to save him. He's just not your guy if you feel like you have to. Because like they always say, if you can't love yourself how are you going to love anyone else? He won't ever love you if he's "too sad" to even date you.
You can't rescue him. You can't fix him. No matter how bad you want to.
Someone once told me, "Social Work is your major, not your relationship"
And she's so right. So all of you with those helping hearts, realize that although all of your hearts are so big, you deserve to have someone who is going to love and care for you just as much as you love and care for that boy that you're trying to fix.
Let him go and take that big heart of yours and find someone who is actually worth your time. Because no man who needs saving is worth drowning for. He's just going to pull you down under with him.