"It's my fault", a thought that haunts my every thought, my own head has become a scary place for myself. I know I will never measure up because of the mistakes I've made. The sea of self hatred floods my thoughts, sometimes it nearly drowns me. I've become my own enemy, I pick myself apart until there's nothing left. I've apologized so many times I'm not even sure what it's for anymore. My life has become yours, I am no longer in control, fear of disappointing or upsetting you has controlled every move of my life. Nobody knows how much I blame myself. Today something has changed, today I am taking my worth back, today I am taking my life back.
People make mistakes, but I don't regret my mistakes, I am not going to blame myself for falling victim to your lies. You're a mistake I will treasure, because you're a lesson. You're a lesson to be learned from. I won't relive the life you subjected me to.
I thought no one else would ever love me because that's what you let me believe, you let me believe I was only worth the value you put in me. As the days pass I am picking up the pieces of my heart you left and slowly gluing them back together. I'm finding the pieces scattered in amongst the things I forgot I once loved, and sometimes in new loves. I am piecing my self back together with some of the old pieces so that I never forget what you put me through, but I'm also finding new pieces to add to myself that I would have never found with you.
The road to pull myself from your grasp has been a long and rocky one, I thought for a while if I just gave into your wants it would make everything better, but it didn't, it made things worse. I thought that if I tried to do what you wanted and make myself who you wanted me to be then things would be different, I thought that I could make myself enough for you. The problem is that I let myself believe I wasn't worth enough, but in reality that wasn't the case. The case was that your expectations are so astronomical that you made me feel small, and I am not small. You belittled me for not crossing my T's and dotting my I's the way you wanted me to.
You're the kind of man every woman wishes she could change with her love. I so desperately wished to be a force of love in your life that swept in like a hurricane and wrecked your way of thinking, but instead you just wrecked me. I thought I could make you love me deeply, the way I deserve to be loved, but now I've learned that you can never make anyone love you. Love is a choice people have to make, and its a selfless one, one you will never understand.
Today the only thing left changed is me, so I want to thank you. Thank you for the strength you've helped me find within myself. Thank you for the lessons you taught me that I can hopefully pass along to other women. Thank you for teaching me how to know when to walk away and be independent. See, you thought you were controlling me. You thought you were suppressing me and making me who you wanted me to be. However, in time I realized how much stronger I am than you. I don't need to make other people feel small to feel big, I am happy with who I am, and I love myself more now than you could have ever loved me.
"Be strong enough to let go, and wise enough to wait for what you deserve."
