You've cried your eyes out, said goodbye, ate some (okay, maybe a pint) of ice cream, gathered up your friends for a night out and now it's 3 AM. You're wide awake and wondering how you're going to survive without your best friend and person. Well, I'm here to say, thanks to my own personal experience and a few wine Wednesdays full of endless advice for all my newly single friends, it gets better. Here is how to move on and forward after a break-up:
1. Ask yourself this, “Do I see myself getting back together with this person?”
Dig a little deeper into what went wrong. Surely it wasn’t all fine and dandy before you said goodbye. Maybe your significant other was controlling. Maybe they never wanted to hang out with your friends. Maybe they were selfish and never pet your dog and ordered the most expensive thing on the menu every time your parents took the two of you out to dinner. It could be a combination of all these things. Perhaps you’re not giving this relationship your all and you just need to put the focus on yourself, rather than someone else. Whatever your reasoning may be, you have a reason and that’s enough. Remember that reason because people don’t change in two weeks or two months or sometimes two years. Give yourself and your ex a chance to grow and think of what you want differently in a relationship before you consider reverting to how things were.
2. No, you really don’t need to meet up and “talk”
What good is going to come out of going to Starbucks and “catching up?” I get it, it’s hard to let go of the past and leave behind the memories you two shared. But making plans for meeting up, ordering some coffee and sharing a crumpet isn’t going to help either of you. It will lead to attachment, confusion, and regress. This goes for social media and texting too. You don’t need to “check in” to see how the other one is doing constantly. Nothing of substance is going to come out of you hearing about each other’s day, weekend or having the conversation leading up to the three words “ I miss you”. If you truly want to see if you’re right for each other and have transparency in the decision to break things off then it is crucial to take the time to limit communication to avoid more heartache from both sides.
3. Distraction ≠ rebound
“I just need a distraction!” Okay, perfect! Couldn’t agree more! Distractions are great for getting your mind off serious matters and force you to have a more positive outlook on a situation. “Distractions”, however, are not synonymous for “rebounds.” The whole “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else” is the worst advice ever given in the world. Chances are the “rebound” doesn’t want to be the “distraction” who lets you stop thinking about your ex. It’s unrealistic, unfair and uncalled for to think another person can erase all feelings and memories of your ex. You just got out of a relationship, instead of focusing on a someone else, distract yourself with other aspects that are of actual of value in your life…which brings me to my next point.
4. Take time to get to know yourself.
Later in life, you might be married, have kids, a house and other responsibilities that don’t allow you to put all your energy into living selflessly. This doesn’t mean being selfish in a bad way, but living life the way you desire, before you live for someone else. After a relationship, you just probably spent countless days living half for yourself and half for the other person. While this isn’t a bad thing - in fact, this is how love should be - now is a great opportunity to take some time to live entirely for yourself for a bit. Spend some “you” time, rediscover your hobbies, passions, and dreams. Maybe because you have been driving to your ex’s house during the evenings, you forgot how much you love playing guitar at night. Maybe you can spend more time reading that section in Barnes and Noble you’ve been thinking about. Now is the time to go wherever, spend time with whomever, and make decisions based on your own future. So do you and cherish it.
5. Moving forward doesn’t mean forgetting
Take your memories with your ex, put them in your back pocket and save them for a day when you’re strong enough to revisit them. Remember that it’s okay to grow apart and move on. You can appreciate the time you spent with this person and the memories you shared. Every relationship, friendship and past experience is different than the last. You can take little bits, pieces and remember the times you spent together with a smile. At first, it may be easier to forget, but that doesn’t mean it’s always meant to stay that way.
Moving on from past love is one of the hardest tribulations to go through. This “moving” process is similar to moving into a new house. You miss your old house and all the memories you had in it because the comfortability felt like home to you. However, you know there were aspects you liked and didn’t like that in that house that you can apply to your new home. At first, it might take some adjustment, but eventually, when you find this new house it will start to gradually feel like home again. Remember that you had a life before this person walked into it and as hard as it may seem you can get through this with resilience and maybe a side of Rosé.
