Late last year I was struck with the unexpected loss of my fraternal grandma. I've written about this in the past, discussing how the grieving process changes when you become an adult. It's now been about four and a half months since she passed, and while I've been distracted from thinking about her death, it doesn't get any easier.
Earlier this week I received a small package from my aunt. Inside were three dozen or so photos of me with my grandparents and various members of that side of the family. There were also several pictures of me, ones that my grandma kept around her house. She was notorious for saving photos, cards, and letters, dating back years and years. Seeing how she kept everything I'd ever sent her just reminded me of how much she loved me. I was her youngest grandchild, so I was very spoiled by her and my grandpa. In nearly every photo of me as a toddler one of the two of them is holding me. I was the baby of the family, so I always got the best treatment out of everyone.
As I was going through the photos I started crying. Whether they were happy or sad tears, I couldn't tell. Before my grandma's death I had experienced other losses in my family, but none hit me quite as hard as hers. I know I am not the only one who still grieves. Now, I cry mainly for my grandpa, who has dementia and doesn't remember he can't wake up beside his wife of 50+ years anymore. I cry for their children, who are no doubt even more saddened at this loss. I cry for my older cousins, who had so many more years with our grandma and therefore had so many more memories than I.
As time passes dealing with your loss gets a little easier, grandma, but it will never be the same. I am only comforted by the fact that you died knowing how much your family loved you and I am comforted to know that we will meet again some day. I think of you every day and I know you're with me as I go through this difficult time.
