For the first time since I was eighteen years old, I felt something that was not shame, pain, or anger in a relationship. Let's be real, building a bond with someone that deepens then breaks past a point of no return left me feeling...hollow. And yet...I felt like I could still make something of my broken pieces.
I remembered when I met this person, he made me feel at ease. Everything I thought a man could hate about me, he did not mind. It was the first time in my life I felt like I was seen as myself. Not an ex-wife, a broke college student, or a broken person; but a woman who could fall in love with a man.
Meeting a stranger who turned into a place of comfort feels...amazing. This person made San Antonio feel like home for me because wherever he was; I felt was a place where I could lay to rest. He allowed my weary vulnerable self to melt into his huge hands whenever I came to see him.
There was an intimacy I felt in my bones that I had... forgotten I could feel. My body radiated and glowed with new life flowing through my veins because of the bond formed with this person. We showed each other the things that made us who we are, who we really are. Not the persona portrayed to the outside world but down to the very core...the soul of our beings.
The thing about that is...I can make this sound as beautiful as I want. I can remember how his body felt when he held me close or the sound of his laugh or his great smile...but I cannot forget that he isn't here anymore.
As anyone can see, I feel quite deeply and the way the world works...seeing him on Instagram or Snapchat or Twitter degraded my sense of what we were. If anyone would look at who he portrayed himself to be and what he liked...there would never be a trace that he would bat an eye at a girl like me.
I was not a girl who had glitter on my eyes, tits, ass, or could headbang like a badass at an EDM concert. I sure as hell was not blond as he emphasized so deeply that he was sexually attracted to, and apparently I would never be this definition of perfection. And for a second, I got lost in it. I would look at these images of these perfect girls all set to be in a world with a man who would probably never give me a chance had we met the old-fashioned way and it ate at me.
Oh and we know how it goes...when it rains, IT POURS. I allowed myself to be vulnerable with a man then slowly he started closing the gates of his own castle. Yikes. We've all heard this one before!
And as time is supposed to pass, I healed. Am I still mad about it? A little bit. You know what made it easier? We talked about it. Not right away because picking at fresh wounds leads to scabs! BUT we did talk about it and the thing is...
I wish I could tell you that everything is great, that my heart is full and wonderful AND happy for him but that's a lie. This man can make me cry with happiness with a flick of his stupid gigantic thumbs over a stupid app and he does not care. I don't hate him, I don't particularly like him either. I just hate that I cannot hate him because whatever we had was real and it felt awesome and it felt awful. The point was MY HEART COULD FEEL AGAIN.
The worst part? He can feel again too. He opened up the gates of his guarded heart to someone else. The best part? He opened up his chance for love because I showed him it wasn't something worth running away from anymore. The risk of being stupidly, crazily, and absolutely engulfed in another human being who can accept you as who you are and push you past your own limits is WORTH IT.
My heart is no longer being shared with this person but this person is a great person who deserves that super cute EDM babe with glitter on all parts of her body who can share that love of music with him that I never could. And one day, I'll laugh thinking of how I didn't think I was enough. Someone is going to LOVE my crazy ass one day..whether it's covered in glitter or not!
