As I wrap up my Junior year of college, the third year in a row where I maintained a 4.0 grade point average, I can't help but feel relief the semester is over. I have spent the past 8 months overwhelmed and stressed about classes, internships, and work; and frankly, I really need a break. Over the academic year, I spent more time concerned about grades than I did about having fun and enjoying my time in college.
Lately, I have been thinking which is the larger driving force: is it ambition, anxiety or a combination of both? Yes, I want to well in my classes, graduate and get a job- one that I love and am passionate about. However, that ambition isn't what causes me to worry during the few times I actually do go out. The ambition isn't what stops to check my grades whenever I receive a notification on my phone that an assignment has been released.
Although it is important to have a healthy level of anxiety, I often let it get to a point where it dictates most of my behavior. I prioritize studying and working over enjoying my time. So which plays a greater role in success? Is it ambition which keeps pushing me to work towards my goals or is in my anxiety and fear of failure which keeps me going?
Despite the stress anxiety causes me, my anxiety and ambition are the motivating factors which keep me going. I overcame a learning disability, speech impediment, and bullying because of my ambition and it is my anxiety that keeps me from reverting back. It has been an amazing year, I took classes which further proved I love the major and field I've chosen, I decided to get back into pageantry and represent my state in a national pageant, and somehow managed to find time to continue modeling. Unfortunately, I somehow think that is not enough.
Because of past successes, I have formed the concept in my brain that I can continue doing better. Because I had a 4.0 for the first few years of college, there is no excuse to not have perfect grades. Because I have booked certain shows in the past, there is no excuse not to book them again. I never want to go backward, instead, I want to keep pushing forward.
Now with school over for the summer, hopefully, I can get rid of the stress and anxiety which has seemed to like a constant sidekick for the past few months. All I can guess is the Summer provides a nice break and time to grow in other ways without the accompanying anxiety.
