There are many ideas about what a healthy relationship is, and over time, it seems as if it is a new trend for people to show off how healthy their relationships are on social media. This is not a bad thing, and I won't lie, I used to do it, but I did it for another reason.
At the time, I would share memes about how great my relationship was and favorited posts that my friends made about how my boyfriend and I were "Goals." I took pride in this and it ended up hurting me really badly, because every time I shared one of these posts, I was ignoring all of the warning signs of the toxicity of my relationship and forcing myself to believe that I was happy. If I had of noticed all the details I made myself cover up, I may have been able to fix my situation before it got to the point it did. One of the biggest details I constantly overlooked was asking permission.
This morning a post came up on my Facebook feed about this topic that I remember having shared a few years ago, and I shared many like it at the time. This post in particular centered around how asking permission from a significant other is not toxic or controlling, but a show of respect. At first I was angry that this would even be a post, as this was one of the main ways I was controlled when I was in a very unhealthy relationship. As the day went on, I could not help but keep thinking about this post. Everytime I tried to get it off my mind, it would quickly pop back into thought and eventually I realised that I had missed the point of the post.
For this particular topic, permission is asking whether or not someone can go somewhere or do something, as long as someone else allows it. In a healthy relationship, this is something that is typically asked to double check on if someone's significant other is okay with something, and usually a polite way of checking on if there were plans already made. It should be pointed out that it is normal to ask a significant other's opinion on major decisions and things that would impact them, but for regular, everyday choices it should not be a requirement.
Asking permission from your significant other can be healthy. It can be and it should be, but unfortunately it is not for everyone. When practiced correctly, it is something that can add strength to some relationships but tear others down. There is a fine line between this practice being healthy or abusive, and it is whether someone feels like they have to or if they are under obligation to ask. This is when it can become toxic and even be a big warning sign for abuse.
For me, it was made clear early in the relationship that I had to ask because my boyfriend wanted to know where I was and it seemed sweet that he cared so much. Though over time it became a way of controlling what I could and could not do as well as isolating me from people he did not want me to see. It got to the point to where I would have to ask to go see my own mother, even if he was at work and I was unable to reach him. If I did something, even watching a show he did not approve of, I would get into trouble and be yelled at. I felt like I had to hide whether or not I had seen my friends or family in fear of consequences because I could not ask. If I was to ask, I would be told no, followed by a long list of things I should be doing instead or being told how bad of an idea it was.
I actually lost many friends due to this. The only circle of people I could see were his friends, as long as he was there and it was his idea. When I disobeyed this, I would get into trouble which happened once when I went to see a movie with two of our closest friends. He was at work when they invited me and being home alone and bored, I said yes. We stopped by the retail store he worked at to pick up snacks and say hi, but when he saw me I was met with an angry look. We went up to say hello but he would only talk to them and ignored me until we were leaving. He grabbed me by the arm and told me we would talk about this later. When we did talk about it, I was yelled at, made to feel bad for going out, and had this whole situation held over my head for weeks. The next few times I asked whether it was okay for me to do something it was followed by a passive aggressive "Thanks for asking this time," and countless lectures belittling me and my lack of ability to make good choices.
This was one of biggest red flags that I missed when I was in this relationship. It is one thing for a significant other to want plans ran by them, but it is not right for there to be repercussions for forgetting to ask or not asking. This is something that is typically not viewed by others as the one giving punishment usually waits until there is nobody around to see it. It may not even seem like a big deal, but it builds up and can eventually make it difficult for someone to make even the smallest choices for themselves and be entirely dependent on another person.
The idea of asking permission sounds either innocent or controlling and it all depends on a person's experience with it. When it is done for the right reasons and done in a way that shows respect for a significant other, it is something that can add a layer of trust to a relationship. While it can be a good thing, it is not for everyone. When it is done in an unhealthy manner, it can create a relationship filled with fear or cause a slippery slope to habitual controlling, as it can create a dependency on a significant other and give power to someone who is already controlling. If it does not feel right to ask, or if there is an obligation to ask, it can be a sign that there is something wrong within a relationship.
If you or someone you know is struggling with an abusive relationship, you can call the U.S. Hotline at 1ā800ā799ā7233 or visit the website http://www.thehotline.org/ for more information.
If you do not feel as if you can reach out to these services, reach out to someone you can trust. Getting help is worth it.
