Some of my friends may define me as a kind, funny, and nice person to be around. My family may say that and a little bit more. But what about the rest of the people I come in contact with? I mean people at church, at school, and at any other social interaction. Most people find a different side of me.
I consider myself to be very introverted. I like to keep to myself, I am horrible when it comes to meeting people, and I am terrible with making conversation.
I love meeting new people though, it's such a wonderful feeling. I mean, there are times when someone says "Hi Kara!" and I get so excited. Someone actually remembering who I am and thinking I'm deserving of their acknowledgment?
It's great.
But, I think about how my friendships have come to be. I am never the first to say hello, or nice to meet you, or to introduce myself. I can never get myself to do so.
As far as conversation goes, don't even get me started. I am horrible.
I can get as far as "how are you?". After that, I blank out. Rather than being able to quickly ask about how someone's classes are going or how their family's doing, I take all the time to process information, since my brain decides to focus on my internal thoughts and feelings all at the same time.
"You're kinda boring"
"You're kinda quiet"
"You're not really a nice person to talk to"
Those sayings are like a broken record. They all hurt my feelings, especially because there's nothing I can do about it. I do my best to reach out and make the first move in conversation, but it always ends in disaster. Either I run out of things to say, or the other person doesn't want to be bothered.
When I am alone, I feel like I am my own person. I have my own opinions, my own mind, my own personality. Around others I am lost. I feel like an empty vessel, an accessory, a supporting character.
As this election has been going on, acts of racism, sexism, homophobia, and so forth have heightened.
I am my opinions, strong opinions at that, on things involving the Black Lives Matter movement and the Women's March and all. Of course, I am upset Donald Trump won. Of course, I fear for the lives of my brothers and my sisters every day.
But because I rarely speak on it, let alone all day every day like some people, it seems like I don't care. I care about social issues! I do! Most of the time, I feel like my voice is silenced by those who are more comfortable with expressing those opinions.
I do not attack every person that supports something I am against, not only because I do not have the amount of time in a day to do so, but also because I can't get myself to do so. I rather just keep to myself. Not a good attribute, but it's just who I am.
Not really speaking on myself, but more so on others that I have met, some of the smartest people are introverts. They are very observant, are very good at retaining information, and because they spend so much time sitting and thinking, they have a lot on their mind, and a lot of great thoughts.
Have you ever spoken to someone and them be very quiet and respond with one word answers? Then when you bring something up that they love, such as a certain book series, or television show, or artist, their eyes light up and it seems like you can't get them to shut up?
People like that exist! Don't think that because someone is quiet and sits in the back corner of the classroom, that they aren't smart or don't really have much of a purpose. They do! We may not be the best at small talk or public speaking, but we are great people with even greater minds!
Sure, it's hard for me to make friends, but the few that stick around to take the time to get to know me are those whom I really appreciate.
