What do so many women and I have in common? We think Brad Pitt is the most beautiful man in the world. What do so many women and I not have in common? My attraction to Brad Pitt is rooted in internalized racism.

I like white men. This fact doesn’t come as a surprise to any of my friends or even acquaintances. Whenever a friend and I walk into a room and scope out men, I immediately find and point out a white guy, probably somewhere between 5’8 to 6’3, average build, and most likely with brown hair.

What’s wrong with liking white men? There’s nothing wrong with liking white guys-it’s your preference.

Did I mention that I’m an African American woman? My preference for white men stems from internalized racism created by the media and facilitated by institutionalized racism.

Before I get into my experiences, some concepts need to be understood:

People of color cannot fetishize white people - let's be real, in America, whiteness is the rubric from which our notions of beauty are based off. Whiteness is considered “normal,” therefore, they cannot be fetishized. A fetish is something that is taboo-different. White people are overexposed when it comes to representation in the media and because of this they are considered the default. Have you seen People’s “Most Sexist Man Alive”? They’re all white guys with maybe a Will Smith and some other token person of color here and there. People of color have been taught that the most sophisticated, cultured, and smart options for partners are white males.

White men are the heroes in stories, white men play the charming lead, and white men are rewarded and admired for being aggressive and invasive. Some people of color stood tall against the tide of internalized racism-I was pulled in and I am in a constant state of almost drowning. So, I unconsciously think Keith and Ryan are the best candidates for a relationship.

When did my preference for white men begin?

I don’t know.

I’ve always liked white men.My first crush in elementary school was a boy named Christopher and you guessed it, though he wasn’t 5’8 he was taller than me and had brown hair. And then there was Brandon, Miles, Jacob, Larkin, you get my point. Middle school and high school where different-blacks and latinos made up my school's student body. For a long time I thought I was asexual or crazy because I rarely found myself attracted to the boys I went to school with. I could not participate in “girl talk” when girlfriends enthusiastically talked about the cutest boys at school. It wasn’t until I came to the University of California, Santa Cruz (UCSC) -a predominately white institution (PWI) that I realized I liked a specific type of man. My experiences with internalized racism began when I was nine-which is why at twenty-one I find it nearly impossible to undo.

What did this do?

Knowing why I find white men attractive and still liking them has caused a great amount of emotional turmoil. I spent my first two years at UC Santa Cruz trying to fight my feelings. I stopped looking at white men in the dining halls and cafes, I stopped going to parties where I knew they’d be, and I declined any dates or hang outs. It wasn’t until my Junior year that I realized that this was a war I could not win. When it comes to the war I waged with white supremacy and internalized racism, I can only win battles. I pick and chose who I fall for and who I spend my time thinking about.

What about men of color?

I won’t date a black man or man of color because they’re not white in order to try and prove that I can. I will not waste their time or affection. When and if I do decide to date or be with a man of color it will be because I like them and believe that we can have a relationship. Moreover, I still find men of color attractive.

How can you say that black is beautiful when you’re totally crushing on Conor?

It’s a process. Pro-black does not mean anti-white. It’s not that I don’t like black men-my father is a black man. My brother is a black man. My best friend is a black man. I just don’t find black men sexually attractive-I see them all as brothers and I will advocate for their well-being until the day I die.

Liking white men does not mean I don’t like my own people and it does not mean that I believe they are not problematic. I broke up with a white guy after I found out he did not want to be an ally to the black community. I constantly check myself-do I like him because he’s white or do we actually have chemistry?

Do you think you’ll have to compromise your morals for white men?

I understand that a lot of white men in this country are problematic. This is mostly due to the insane amount of privilege handed to them because of a skin mutation and having a cock. So, yeah I’ll think Conor and Wyatt are hot when I first meet them, but if they can’t tell me who James Baldwin is or think BlackLivesMatter is a terrorist organization, or attempt to know more about racism, then Conor and Wyatt can sit somewhere else with their unsalted food.