I am trying so hard to distance myself, to keep my eyes forward looking at the outcome of my work and my heart focused on those things that won't hurt it. I am aware of my solidarity and as happy as I try to be I still have my moments of vulnerability.

I loathe these days because I try to carry myself as independently as possible because I don't like being a burden to the lives of anyone. If anything, I'd rather listen to someone pour their heart out to me as I offer them advice that I should probably be taking.

I never imagined I'd feel so ashamed of my emotions, but I always do in retrospect. I end up reaching out to people who shouldn't have to listen to my problems. And once I get them to listen, I push them away because I'm too afraid to look at someone once they know how broken I can be.

I look for acceptance in the most peculiar places. There are plenty of level headed individuals who have asked to get to know me better, I've been asked on dates, but I cannot bring myself to accept the offers.

I have been pondering this issue for a while and I think it might be the forwardness scares me-- the fact that someone who knows nothing about me might have a false expectation of my reality. There is something that seems almost unattractive about the person who holds me on a pedestal.

I want to say that this is why I appreciate the lost souls who are running with the motions of life. I become so intrigued by people for the most peculiar things. Falling for little moments of seemingly insignificant moments in life. Human tendencies, bad habits, mannerisms... the list doesn't end. I think I appreciate people with reputations because at least they are real, living their lives, making mistakes, and embracing it.

Maybe I want to learn to embrace that humanity too.