I am insecure, insecure is defined as a person who is not confident or assured, uncertain and anxious. That's me. I couldn't really tell you why I just am. Do we have insecurities when we are born or does it occur as we grow older?
Psychology Today states that there are three most common causes of insecurity, they are insecurity based on recent failure or rejection, lack of confidence because of social anxiety, and insecurity is driven by perfection. Well, for me I do fall into one of those groups, lack of confidence because of social anxiety.
I am socially awkward but when I am with a group of friends I can be a lot more relaxed, its always in the back of my head that I won't be liked. It's the worst when it's a large group or in situations where there is a lot of new people, I almost have panic attacks with the idea of being in these situations.
My problem is I have insecurities in everything, relationships, looks, jobs, and me. I wonder quite often why anyone would want to be around me, then I wonder why am I not good enough to be liked or loved. Does this feeling date back to childhood when I never felt good enough for anyone or felt that I was loved by anyone?
I know my parents loved me, I always felt my mother's love but my father's love was harder to feel. I like to believe that he loved me because I was a part of him but I truly believe that he didn't like me very much especially as I got older. My father's love was harder to feel as I became a teenager but I never felt like he enjoyed being around me or liked the person I was becoming.
The feeling of your own father not liking you is not an easy pill to swallow it makes me wonder if that led to most if not all my insecurities. If my own father doesn't like me then I must be truly unlikeable.
There is an internal dialogue that accompanies our feelings of insecurity. This is called the “critical inner voice.” Dr. Lisa Firestone, who co-authored the book Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice wrote, “The critical inner voice is formed out of painful early life experiences in which we witnessed or experienced hurtful attitudes toward us or those close to us. As we grow up, we unconsciously adopt and integrate this pattern of destructive thoughts toward ourselves and others.”
The experiences we have with our influential early caretakers can be at the root of our insecurity as adults. This is an important statement that applies to the beginning of my insecurities. But, I understand having the "critical inner voice" it can be so loud sometimes that my head hurts or I will start feeling a panic attack coming on.
Many things can shape the inner voice's negative attitudes directed towards ourselves, even the attitudes our parents had towards themselves. Whether your mother's attitude towards her weight, her appearance, or your father's attitude and treatment of you as a child, teen, and adult. Internalizing these points of view, keep the attitudes alive by believing in our insecurities as you go along with life.
The inner voice can cause insecurities in work, leaving you feeling incompetent, self-sabotaging ourselves and our career, with the fear of never being acknowledged. The inner voice can sabotage personal relationships, it can stir up past hurts and experiences, and the fear of intimacy. Being close to someone can shake us to the core, bring all these emotions and the critical inner voice to the surface.
Unfortunately listening to this voice can seriously damage our interpersonal relationships, it causes us to become desperate towards our partner or even causing us to pull back from our partner. This voice can cause all kinds of negative feelings, it can exaggerate feelings of jealousy, possessiveness and can leave us feeling rejected and unworthy.
I'm not sure how knowing all this is suppose to help me move past it. It is a great description of how the voice has affected my life. Whether it's my relationship with my family, friends, peers, and employers, all have been affected by this little voice that is constantly critical of every decision and situation that I am in.
