The Inner Monologue Of The New Girl At The Gym | The Odyssey Online
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Politics and Activism

The Inner Monologue Of The New Girl At The Gym

Lauren Millsaps
Mar 07, 2016
UNC Charlotte
230
The Inner Monologue Of The New Girl At The Gym
Comedy Central

Ah, the gym. The movies make it out to be a scary place, but IT IS OKAY IT IS A TERRIFYING PLACE WHERE SELF ESTEEM GOES TO DIE it really isn't that bad. Many people find relief from stress and anxiety simply by working off whatever it is they have going on. *cough.* Not me *cough.*

1. "Okay, these workout pants do not fit me like they did on Candice Swanepoel in the catalogue. Also, why did I pay $70 for a neon piece of spandex?"


2. "Oh Lord Jesus in Heaven, I forgot my headphones. Clearly, I have to go home now! Wait, no here they are."


3. "So which of these torture machines will make me look the least like a newborn giraffe?"


4. "Why does this machine want to know my BMI? What the heck even is my BMI? Not good, probably."


5. "Woah this machine gets HBO? I don't even get HBO. I know where I'll be April 24. If I'm still alive then."


6. "Home girl on the stair stepper is GETTING IT. You go, Glen Coco! How do her yoga pants have back pockets? Oh god, now she thinks I was staring at her butt."


7. "If I make it to 40 percent of this workout I'll call it a day. There is no way I'm making it that far. CHANGING RESISTANCE TO 10? NOOOOO!!!"


8. "What did people do before they had music and TV to watch during workouts? Did they just think silently for an hour?"

9. "Please God if you can please let me just make it to 60 percent of this workout so I can see if Chip and Joanna chose to renovate House 1 or House 3! (Who am I kidding I know they chose House 3 because of its rustic southern charm)."


10. "In what way exactly does one use that machine over there? Because whatever that man is doing on it CANNOT be right..."


11. "QUIT TELLING ME TO RUN FASTER, MACHINE!"


12. "Why is that 10-year-old here? You can still play on a playground and not be branded a weirdo. Go do 10-year-old things."


13. "Okay, grandma over here is showing me up. I can run that fast!... Nope. Nope. No, I can't."


14. "Why did I ever leave the comfort of my all female group fitness classes. I never breathed this hard in 'yoga for the soul.' In hindsight, I see how that makes sense, though."


15. "Helloooo, man on the leg press."


16. "Wow, okay, I made it through the whole workout. Wait, this episode isn't over; can I keep going? Yeah, I still have a few minutes in me."

17. *Steps off machine* "Okay my legs are now made of Jell-O and I've forgotten how to walk. Same time tomorrow?"

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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