I wouldn’t call myself a particularly religious person; I have a deep belief that there is a greater power out there. I’m not sure whether I believe it’s a he or a she or even a person type of figure, but I know it’s there. Krishna. Buddha. Jesus. Allah. God. Goddess. Mother Nature. A powerful energy that keeps everything in the Universe flowing as it should. My God is powerful and almighty. My God challenges me, lifts me, guides me. My God constantly humbles me in hopes that I can become a stronger, better, caring, and more compassionate person. My God is everywhere and in everything.

During my month long, 200-hour yoga teacher training, I came even closer to my God. I learned about impermanence - nothing can be owned, nothing lasts forever, we are in a constant flow, always moving, but whether it be forwards or backwards depends on us. I learned that we are more powerful and divine than we could ever imagine. I learned that all of the answers we seek are inside of us, we need only to look within and let go of the voice in our head that says “no.”

Meditation brought me closer to my God; I began to find stillness within and could hear my God’s voice more clear. It said, “Do not be afraid to live. Speak less and listen more. Open your mind, your heart, and your spirit. See with your soul. Learn to forgive, and be humble enough to ask for forgiveness. Treat yourself with the same compassion you treat other with. Learn to love others deeply, but also learn to truly love all of your self. Let go.” Perhaps I was just hearing a myriad of of pretty clichés, but in those moments, it felt real, it felt deep. I began to realize that I am truly on a journey of constant growth, and although I’ve come far, I have so much more to experience, to learn, and to live.

Without a doubt, I am not the same girl who hopped on a plane to travel across the country for love and a yoga certificate. But the certificate is merely a piece of paper-a piece of thick beige paper with elegant calligraphy that I’ll hang as proof that “I did it!” I’ll admit that I felt proud holding it, seeing it as physical validation of my accomplishment, but that piece of paper, pretty as it is, doesn’t capture the depth of journey. It doesn’t capture the bond I created with so many beautiful people, it doesn’t capture the painfully humbling two hour long bus rides I had to take to get to the studio, it doesn’t capture the effort spent trying to learn the Sanskrit names of poses, it doesn’t capture the fights with my boyfriend after coming home and being exhausted from an eight hour day spent ironically stressing over yoga, it doesn’t capture the physical and mental exhaustion I felt after three hours of asana practice, it doesn’t capture the way I choked down tears as the instructor condescendingly talked down to me, it doesn’t capture the frustration I felt within when my body wouldn’t fold any deeper, it doesn’t capture the sometimes painful, sometimes borderline orgasmic adjustments my instructors gave during certain asanas, it doesn’t capture the time spent sitting in front of the lake studying yogic philosophy in preparation for the next quiz, it doesn’t capture the inner peace I finally began to feel in the midst of a deep asana, it doesn’t capture that growth I’m trying to explain in this essay, but most of all it doesn’t capture how much those 200 hours changed me physically, mentally, and spiritually leading me to expand my awareness and evolve deeper in my powerful journey within.

Before 2015 I considered myself a sporadic practitioner of yoga, definitely not a yogi, how could I be when I couldn’t do any of the cool poses? But the truth is up until my immersion program at The Center for Yoga of Seattle, I had a very superficial understanding of what yoga is; it was merely deep stretches and deep breathing that made me feel good inside and outside-something that just looked really pretty on Instagram, but now my understanding is deeper. Yoga is a beautiful philosophy that I will never fully comprehend because it is such a deeply spiritual subject matter, and although I still can’t even begin to fully explain it, I’m starting to understand what Patanjali meant by “deliverance from pain and sorrow.” I am discovering my own Samadhi. I have glimpses of what that inner peace is, and with every breath, every pose, every thought I come closer to finding not just my God, but the God, Goddess, within me. The silence has brought me closer to my divinity. In the first week of my program I looked up what the greeting of Namaste meant, and I happened upon this beautiful quote on an obscure website:

I honor the place in you where Spirit lives
I honor the place in you which is of Love, of Truth, of Light, of Peace

When you are in that place in you,
And I am in that place in me,
Then we are one.

With that I encourage you all to look deep within and find the place where Spirit lives. Namaste.