Talking to someone who is struggling with infertility can be hard. Some individuals really believe that what they are saying is coming across as supportive and encouraging. Others are just ignorant. There are also those who can say the wrong thing without even being aware that infertility is an issue. After reading this, don’t be afraid to express to your struggling friends and their significant other (INFERTILITY CAN HAPPEN TO MEN, TOO), or relatives, that you are unsure of how to respond or react to their situation. Each of us struggling with infertility handles it differently, and it can change day to day. Some days we can handle it with humor. Other days, catching sight of those tiny baby shoes while we’re buying toilet paper in Target can send us into a deep, dark hole that holds us captive for months. Either way, here are some tips when handling this delicate topic
:1. DON’T say, “At least it’s fun trying!”
Once infertility has been acknowledged, the fun in conceiving a child that is part yours, and part the person you love, disappears. The spontaneity in your sex life disappears. The romance is gone. The magic that other couples experience at this stage of their relationship has been stolen. Scheduling sex based on calendar days and how your body is functioning turns those dreams you had of a child with your eyes and your partner’s smile into a blurred image clouded with doubt and insecurity.
2. DON’T say, “Just relax!”
Did you know infertility is a diagnosed disease? Can relaxing cure cancer? Diabetes? Being blind or deaf? What about being paralyzed? Yeah. Stop offering this useless, insensitive advice. Instead, DO acknowledge that it has to be stressful to be in this situation. Ask what your friend or relative needs, whether it’s a hug, venting session, a good distraction, or a pint of ice cream.
3. DON’T say, “At least you don’t have to suffer through (insert all pregnancy complaints).”
If only you knew how many times a woman struggling with infertility has bartered with every higher being about the very things you are complaining about. We would gladly PUT UP with every single symptom in tenfold that you define as “suffering”, if it meant we could get pregnant.
4. DON’T say, “Everything happens for a reason.”
Geezis. Seriously? What good can possibly come from you saying this? This is the thought you put into someone’s head when you say these words: “Is the reason I can’t have kids is because I’d be a bad parent?” Don’t ever say this to someone struggling to create a family. There are already so many unanswered questions, you are only giving them more.
5. DON’T say, “You can always adopt!”
Thanks so much, Captain Obvious. Is it also obvious how ignorant and insensitive you sound? Please trust that those of us with dysfunctional reproductive organs are well aware of the other options we have. We also know the extremely high cost of each option, and that health insurance won’t cover one cent of any of them. DO let your loved one know that you are aware other options exist, but nothing can replace the experience of conceiving and raising your own child.
6. DON’T say, “You’re still so young, you have plenty of time.”
I was twenty-eight when I started expressing my concern to my doctor about not getting pregnant. By the age of thirty-two I needed a hysterectomy. YOU ARE NEVER TOO YOUNG TO EXPERIENCE INFERTILITY OR THE LOSS OF BEING ABLE TO CONCEIVE AND CARRY YOUR OWN CHILD.
7. DON’T ask, “When are you planning on having kids?”
This is probably the rudest question I’ve ever been asked. I don’t care who you are in relation to the couple, this is none of your business unless they make it your business. This is also the rudest question you can ask a couple, especially if you don’t know they’re struggling with infertility. My boyfriend and I were frequently asked this question long before we were aware that we had infertility issues. You also have no idea what the couple might be going through. What if they don’t want kids? That’s their decision, and you have no right to this information. What if they just experienced another failed attempt at IVF? What if they just experienced a miscarriage? Stop asking questions that you have no right to ask. If you are close enough to the couple, you’ll know these answers. If you aren’t, accept it. Just because a couple doesn’t have the kids to show for it, doesn’t mean they aren’t trying. Having children isn’t what defines a person or a couple. DO ask someone about their hobbies, what their dream job might be, have you seen this movie, or heard of this book? Even if you’re aware of their infertility, don’t be the one to bring it up. Your friend or loved one will when they’re ready. In the meantime, converse with them like they are an actual human being, not someone whose only job is to procreate.
8. DON’T say, “Well, just think of all the money you’re saving. Kids are expensive!”
What in the actual hell? Do you know how much it costs for a couple battling infertility to try and conceive through alternative options? The average cost of in vitro fertilization in the U.S. is currently about $11,000 to $12,000. General infertility treatments such as ovarian stimulation plus intrauterine insemination, IUI are significantly less expensive than in vitro fertilization. However, they are also significantly less effective (https://www.advancedfertility.com/fertility-treatm). While you’re thinking of the money this couple saves as they spend $12,000 for each attempt to have a baby, when the treatment fails, money is far from the biggest loss.
9. DON’T say, “There are worse things that could happen.”
I would rank this as one of the top three worst things you could say to someone who has come to the realization that one of their biggest dreams has a high possibility of never happening. A dream that becomes the reality to others who don’t have to try, who carelessly get pregnant, who don’t take the proper, affordable, available precautions, and can go to a free clinic and get their “mistake” “taken care of”. The struggles of infertility are much deeper than getting pregnant. It causes stress and tension between couples. It brings self-esteem issues, especially in women. By nature, our bodies were meant to create and provide a home for their children. When we can’t make this happen, we start to doubt everything. I tried my hardest to get my boyfriend to leave me. I wanted a family so bad that I couldn’t handle the thought of being the reason he couldn’t have one of his own, even if it was with someone else. I only saw a future of two miserable people stuck together. He refused to leave me, but even to this day, I still find myself wondering what our children would’ve looked like, and it leaves me with that familiar dark feeling. Even though I’m no longer technically dealing with infertility because of my hysterectomy, the emotions that come with it will never truly leave me.
10. DON’T say, “Appreciate the freedom and life you still have – I never get any sleep or alone time.”
Part of one’s life is the fact that you grow and mature and want more out of life. When in a relationship, most couples are working towards that monumental stage of creating a family. Not every couple wants this, and that’s fine. But when someone trusts you enough with the knowledge of their infertility struggle, responding with an answer that includes passive aggressive complaints about something they want so bad comes across as insensitive. Realize that what you see as annoyances (especially ones that are insignificant and you knew full and well came with having kids) are small prices to pay for a dream that’s been in the making for years. When you look at your children, what do you see? You see parts of yourself and your partner. You see your parents, your siblings, your grandmother’s personality. Your significant other tells you they see their aunt’s sense of humor, and that sweet belly laugh reminds you of your favorite that is no longer around. Kids are a connection to the past, to your loved ones, a beautiful combination of two families. Freedom to do whatever we want in our empty lives is not a consolation. It’s just a constant reminder that we have failed to achieve something that comes so naturally to others that take it for granted.
