Why I Can't Look at Myself in the Mirror
Start writing a post
Health and Wellness

Why I Can't Look at Myself in the Mirror

And How I've Learned to Be Okay With That

Why I Can't Look at Myself in the Mirror
Locke Hughes

I hate myself. It seems as though I say that lightly because I say it so often, its become almost as conventional as saying my name. The problem lies in the fact that when I say the phrase, I actually mean it – I feel it. I truly have an indescribable feeling of self-loathe that has latched itself onto my inner being since, what feels like, the beginning of time. I cannot shake it. I cannot change it. I can only deal with it, mold it, shape it, and adjust myself around it. I’ve dealt with this feeling for so long that I’ve learned to defend it – I stand by it, I make sure that it is safely tucked away inside of my soul for no one to see. When no one is around, when it feels most comfortable, it crawls out, and it sucks my conscience dry.

Yes, the feeling of hatred for myself has all but consumed me, but I do not let it define me. I enjoy my life and the people in it – I am not afraid of shopping malls, new clothes, the gym or food. However, I face my difficulties in ways that most people can’t see. Maybe that’s why few people actually believe me when I express how I feel about myself when I choose to. I’ll hear “Oh, stop!” or “Get over it” or my all-time favorite: “Well, do something about it.” Either way, I spend most of my time suffering on the inside, and quite frankly, I’d like to keep it that way (it’s easier, trust me). I’ve spent a lot of time and put a lot of effort into self-medicating and let me tell you something…it ain’t easy. But, it’s doable. And it works. It’s f***ing hard – don’t get me wrong, but if you can master your own brain (to an extent) it’s worth it.

I struggle every day. Every. Single. Day. It does not get easier, but it never gets harder. I am perpetually battling my own bully who has a first-person POV and who loves to remind me that mirrors exist to only mock me. If I eat a cookie, I’m a fatass; I eat a salad, it’s never gonna work. Oh, and my boyfriend? He’s only with me because he hasn’t found someone better looking to leave me for yet. My son is an excuse for my stretch marks. I’m out of breath when I run because I can’t workout. When someone compliments me it’s because they feel bad for me. I cannot pick out one physical feature on me that I am even remotely satisfied with – from my hair follicles to my toenails.

Now, tell me, wouldn’t that make you sick? I talk to myself like that every day, and FYI: there is no off switch. I have heard so many times before and will continue to hear for the rest of my life that “I need to stop thinking that way” or that “I need to stop putting myself through that” when in reality, I know that already. I don’t want to dismiss every compliment that flows my way. I don’t want to look in the mirror and feel nauseous. I don’t want to be jealous of other girls. I don’t want to be my own worst enemy. When my boyfriend touches me, I want to let him. Instead, I am completely overwhelmed with a feeling of disgust and anxiousness that I can only describe as such: when he runs his hand across my stomach I am paralyzed from movement, I am short of breath, my heart races and I hope to God he doesn’t think about me the way I think of myself. I don’t want to feel that way. I want to acknowledge the look he has in his eyes when he tells me how beautiful I am.

I used to think there was no way out of this kind of darkness. After all, where can you run to escape from yourself? I know now that the key isn’t to try and rid yourself of negativity – but to flood yourself with positivity. As with everything in this life, we are creatures in need of balance, and where there is bad there must be good. If you should ever find yourself in a place filled with darkness, keep in mind that you can always bring light to a dark room, but you cannot remove the darkness to reveal light. As such, you must remember that you can’t completely get rid of negativity (as much as we’d all love to) but can always add positivity. Most people will say that being controlled is a choice – I see things a bit different. I don’t think being controlled is a choice; most people don’t necessarily choose to be controlled by their abuser, right? They don’t choose to be controlled by their mental illnesses, their disabilities, or their peers. I was controlled by the shadows that haunt the innermost parts of my mind. No, I don’t believe being controlled is a choice.

But, taking control is.

This is an interestingly raw article both from my end and from yours. It might seem like I’m being too transparent about some of the things I experience every day – to some, it may seem like I’m exaggerating the hell out of it all. But I assure you that nothing I disclose about my thoughts, feelings, emotions, expressions or struggles is exaggerated for the sake of publication. I share some of my darkest places with the world in an effort to pull together those who cannot articulate the words to do so themselves, or chose not to.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
a man and a woman sitting on the beach in front of the sunset

Whether you met your new love interest online, through mutual friends, or another way entirely, you'll definitely want to know what you're getting into. I mean, really, what's the point in entering a relationship with someone if you don't know whether or not you're compatible on a very basic level?

Consider these 21 questions to ask in the talking stage when getting to know that new guy or girl you just started talking to:

Keep Reading...Show less

Challah vs. Easter Bread: A Delicious Dilemma

Is there really such a difference in Challah bread or Easter Bread?

loaves of challah and easter bread stacked up aside each other, an abundance of food in baskets

Ever since I could remember, it was a treat to receive Easter Bread made by my grandmother. We would only have it once a year and the wait was excruciating. Now that my grandmother has gotten older, she has stopped baking a lot of her recipes that require a lot of hand usage--her traditional Italian baking means no machines. So for the past few years, I have missed enjoying my Easter Bread.

Keep Reading...Show less

Unlocking Lake People's Secrets: 15 Must-Knows!

There's no other place you'd rather be in the summer.

Group of joyful friends sitting in a boat
Haley Harvey

The people that spend their summers at the lake are a unique group of people.

Whether you grew up going to the lake, have only recently started going, or have only been once or twice, you know it takes a certain kind of person to be a lake person. To the long-time lake people, the lake holds a special place in your heart, no matter how dirty the water may look.

Keep Reading...Show less
Student Life

Top 10 Reasons My School Rocks!

Why I Chose a Small School Over a Big University.

man in black long sleeve shirt and black pants walking on white concrete pathway

I was asked so many times why I wanted to go to a small school when a big university is so much better. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure a big university is great but I absolutely love going to a small school. I know that I miss out on big sporting events and having people actually know where it is. I can't even count how many times I've been asked where it is and I know they won't know so I just say "somewhere in the middle of Wisconsin." But, I get to know most people at my school and I know my professors very well. Not to mention, being able to walk to the other side of campus in 5 minutes at a casual walking pace. I am so happy I made the decision to go to school where I did. I love my school and these are just a few reasons why.

Keep Reading...Show less
Lots of people sat on the cinema wearing 3D glasses

Ever wonder what your friend meant when they started babbling about you taking their stapler? Or how whenever you ask your friend for a favor they respond with "As You Wish?" Are you looking for new and creative ways to insult your friends?

Well, look no further. Here is a list of 70 of the most quotable movies of all time. Here you will find answers to your questions along with a multitude of other things such as; new insults for your friends, interesting characters, fantastic story lines, and of course quotes to log into your mind for future use.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments