When I was little my parents would tell me to just walk away. Back then I thought that this was stupid. I was also pretty self-righteous, so if I was in an argument I wanted to stick around and duke it out even if I was in the wrong.
My senior year in high school I thought about how great I would feel being away from home. I felt like I really needed some space and that going away to college would give me a fresh start. I was kind of wrong, but I was also kind of right, and the same thing is happening to me now that I'm leaving Kalamazoo College for the summer.
I don't really believe in fresh starts anymore, but I do believe that getting some physical distance from overwhelming people, places, memories, etc. is helpful. I couldn't just go to college and have everything that had been haunting me disappear. But, I had the ability to think about it without feeling trapped right in the midst of the chaos. I couldn't run away from what was always going to be with me, in my head and in my heart, but I could breathe a little easier and tame the feelings a little better.
The last trimester at school I was stressed and anxious among a bunch of other feelings about everything that had happened throughout the year, and all I could think about was getting out. Now that I'm home, I already feel a small weight lifted off my shoulders. I am grateful to be able to have distance from the mess for a while, and to be able to breathe a little easier again.
I know it's a simple thing, but I think it's really important to think about, especially because it's so easy. I never wanted to just walk away in the past because I wanted to prove something. Getting distance always felt like running away to me. I felt selfish. I wanted to fix everything right there in the moment. I wanted it to be done and over with so that I could move on, but all that ever led to was a breakdown.
Even if it's something little like driving aimlessly for a while or sitting in the park, or something big like going away up north to the Lake or leaving school for a few months, I really appreciate getting physical distance from chaos and overwhelming feelings. It doesn't change everything, that's for sure, but it allows me to breathe for a while so that maybe I can think more clearly about what I have to carry with me and what I have to leave behind.
