I know it's kind of morbid to think about dying, but truthfully it's not something I can really hide from. And while I'm usually one to shy away when things get uncomfortable, I want to face this, because it's something that I've been thinking about lately:

If I were to die tomorrow, what would I want the world to know?

What kind of message would I want to give to my loved ones?

Just like everybody else, I am not perfect. I know that I have many things that I could apologize for because I have not fully lived my life without regret. I know that sometimes I say or do the wrong thing. Sometimes I get the chance to apologize and sometimes I don't because relationships become lost or damaged beyond repair. And sometimes I have the opportunity to say I'm sorry but I just really don't know how to say it. Such simple words can sometimes be the hardest ones to bring yourself to say.

So I guess that the main things that I would want people to know if today was my last day are "I'm sorry" and "I love you".

I'M SORRY

I'm sorry for the things I said that were out of line and the things that I left unsaid.

I'm sorry for anything said or done out of spite or anger.

I'm sorry for not always being able to express my feelings adequately.

I'm sorry for closing myself off to the people that I love most.

I'm sorry for being uncomfortable addressing problems and awkward situations and letting feelings fester or letting friendships fizzle out. I know that not all things are meant to last but there were times of poor communication and I blame myself for that.

I'm sorry for drawing out tension or fueling the flame in any way. This past year I've spent far too much time butting heads with the people that I love most in this world, and I wish that I could take it all back.

On that note...

I LOVE YOU

Please know that despite all the mistakes I make that push people away, I never have malicious intent. I would never want to cause pain because I know how bad it feels.

If I could do my life over again and do everything right, I would. But that's not a possibility, so just know that I'm doing all that I can to be better because I don't want to keep making the same mistakes.

Please know that I don't just throw "I love you" around. If I say that to you, I mean it.

I wouldn't be who I am today without you. You all know who you are. So many memories (good or bad) have other people attached to them. There have been lessons learned, tears cried, smiles shared and words spoken that have impacted me in ways you don't even realize.

I believe that the beauty in life comes from who you're with. People can make or break just about any situation. And things just don't quite feel right without the people who know you and love you despite every flaw you possess. So thank you to everyone who has overlooked my flaws and allowed me to be unapologetically myself.

I love you - more than all the words in the world can say.