5:00 p.m.: Shower

This, of course, begins by stepping on the scale which is conveniently located right outside our shower. The blue light stops blinking and gives me my weight....wayyyyyyy too heavy. I avoid the mirror as I step into the shower, hoping the steam blocks the glass so I don't accidentally catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror while reaching for my shampoo. I rinse and repeat twice to avoid any unwanted but inevitable grease in my hair, condition just the bottom and use super hydrating body wash while the conditioner 'works it's magic'

5:30: Exit shower

Grab the towel on the other side of the glass as quickly and swiftly as possible to avoid my naked reflection in the mirror. Once wrapped, walk up to the mirror and stare at the mascara that didn't wash off in the shower. Grab a cleansing towelette and wipe it off my face, follow with toner, eye cream, moisturizer and 6 pounds of primer so my makeup doesn't go anywhere.

5:45-6:45: Hair

Put in heat spray, then proceed to use an insane amount of heat styling on my hair. Blow drying and straightening to start. Then teasing and clipping my 20 pounds of hair extensions. Curl to blend, add dry shampoo and hairspray and pray nothing happens in the next 2 hours to ruin it.

6:45-7:30: Makeup

Add extra primer just to be sure. BB Cream, foundation, concealer, bronzer, eye liner, false lashes, eyebrow gel, highlighter, mascara, 10 mists of setting spray. My makeup can not move. My nose still looks too big, and my eyes still look too small...my lips still look weird and my forehead is still humongous, but maybe if I style my hair to cover my face no one will notice.

7:30-8:15: Closet

I hate this part. In my head, I have all these ideas of outfits I have and how great they will look and how thin I am and then I put them on. I look at the mirror...and the self loathing begins.

"My hips are far to wide to pull that off.

My boobs are too big and make me look like I'm trying to hard.

That color looks weird on my skin tone.

Why did I even buy any of this? "

I ask my boyfriend how I look in about six different outfits, each one getting a 'fine' and the rejects get tossed on the floor. Once I find an outfit I feel okay in I can not look in a mirror again. I'll start to second guess everything and the process will start all over and we can't afford to lose any more time.

8:30: Uber Ride

At least it's dark so I don't have to worry about if I look like shit right now.

9:00: First Bar

Well I thought I looked good, until I realized we were apparently going to the Super Model Convention. I look around and every girl looks flawless...literally perfect and so effortless. They're dresses all hug the right spots, there's no sweat stains anywhere and their makeup is all perfect. Anxiety begins to set in. I can feel everyone staring at me...what they must be thinking

"She doesn't belong here.

Who brought the cow?

Someone call Sea World because they must have a whale on the loose"

10:00: Second Bar

I made the mistake of going to the bathroom. I am trying desperately to not look in the mirror. I get in the stall and fix my mascara and bronzer behind closed doors. I spray some tester fragrance and hope that maybe if I smell nice no one will notice how much of a disaster I am. I finish and go to wash my hands. I see myself. It's worse than I thought. My hair is greasy and stringy, my makeup is melting off, I look like a complete buffoon. Why didn't someone say something?!

12:00: Final Bar

Complete and total anxiety. I can't even enjoy myself right now. I know I look like garbage, and all these other girls look amazing. People are starting to question why my boyfriend is with me, I know it. He's gorgeous and perfect...tall dark and handsome...I look like a sweaty potato. I don't even want to dance, or sit or stand or anything. I hate myself right now. My boyfriend gets upset that I'm acting 'weird' but boys don't understand this kind of anxiety.

2:00: Home

I take off my clothes and put on my loose sweatpants and T-shirt...the only clothes that truly make me feel thin. I take off my makeup and look at the hot mess that I am. I am not a pretty girl. I end up venting to my boyfriend who is desperately trying to sleep. I feel bad for bringing my self consciousness onto him, so I sulk into bed.

This is a typical night out for me. I'm not kidding...not even a little bit. Nothing in this story is made up, you can even ask my boyfriend. I look at girls on my Facebook and Instagram and long to be as beautiful as they are. I want clothes to drape over me and have a figure that would make Kim K jealous. It's PAINFUL. This is not some typical girl dreaming...this is an unhealthy obsession that I am still struggling with every day. I hate shopping for clothes in stores because I constantly feel like the sales associates are judging me for shopping at their stores. I actively avoid my reflection in the mirror at the gym because the way I look makes me sick. I'm talking about this because I know I'm not the only girl out there, and we are not alone. I need people to understand that when I say "I hate the way I look" I'm not doing it to go fishing for compliments, I'm doing it because I need to vent to somebody. I'm sick of the constant panic attacks I have that end up with me breaking hangers and crying on my closet floor because I don't think I'm pretty. I'm sick of getting my picture taken and then panicking knowing how fat I am and how I'm going to ruin every picture. I know this sounds like #BasicBitchProblems but it's a serious battle that I find myself facing on a daily basis.

I am not a pretty girl, but I want to be.

xoxo Me