It is mental health awareness month, and I am going to get raw for a moment. I have always been an extremely private person, and I don't like to share my personal problems especially to social media, but this is a coping method for me because I want to be understood. I don't like sharing because I don't want to concern or make this a post for sympathy. There is no need for sympathy, I am just so god damn tired of being misunderstood, and constantly having to hide myself from others in fear of what others think of me. I hate being the center of attention it is not for me at all, but I feel like this is the right thing to do. Anxiety can be very much misunderstood especially for those who do not suffer with anxiety, and can't understand the deliberating moments that come with having a mental illness. I find myself to be rather annoying when I tell others that I have anxiety. It isn't something I am comfortable with because I absolutely hate talking about it. I am very socially awkward in social settings, and I don't know how not to be an awkward person because of all the never ending racing thoughts that constantly come with anxiety. I struggle at conversating because I overthink EVERYTHING. It wasn't until about 13 when I noticed I felt different one day. Long story short I then was diagnosed with GAD, and panic attacks at about 14. It all made sense as to why I was always coming home in tears as a kid always in distress and constantly worrying about others, constantly worrying about what could happen, and what people thought of me. I NEVER told anyone about my anxiety disorder and would hide it under my "mask" I would call it and would never show the realness of my anxiety and my terrifying panic attacks. I decided to share when I couldn't pretend anymore. I felt like I was being drowned and I could no longer swim anymore. Not asking for help was my first issue. There is so much stigma around mental health and it is hard to feel safe to talk about. You feel like you are a crazy person because you are looked as being some mentally "fucked up person in the head". I was truly struggling and I truly hate asking for help because I hate feeling like a burden to someone. I stress a lot about how people see me because I want to make an impact and I want to help people so much and make them feel so loved and I hate when I fail at doing so. I truly hated that people would see me as rude, standoffish, but truly I was crumbling and didn't know how to say this.
Opening- up to people isn't always the easiest thing to do. I used to get bullied all the time because I was such an "easy" target because I never stood up for myself, and it was in the process of figuring out my anxiety and what it meant for me. I didn't know why one minute I would be okay and then boom I am in the fetal position paralyzed shaking on the ground unable to move or see, while feeling like I am stuck inside of a box, and can't seem to get out of this box and then once I get out and back on the ground I still feel like I am lost and suffocating in a lonely place where it is just me and only me. It takes me a while to find my way back and it takes even longer for me to be okay again. I apologize to anyone that has ever watched me like this, but I thank you all for being there for me. I am sure people feel that I overshare about my struggles and my facebook page at times can look really sad, and I am sorry please unfollow me if you feel (I get it) but this helps me get through the rough patches because I want people to know it isn't them but I am having a day so don't talk it personally. It comes in waves some days where I am swimming perfectly and I feel afloat and everything feels safe but there is always that thought in the back of your head that you know there are big waves that could be coming and you just don't know when they will crash. The worst part is you never feel ready, it is like waiting for a wave to come and crash on you and when it comes it hits you like a god damn freight-train, and puts you so far under water leaving you scared and unable to swim and find your breath. Then when you finally come back from underneath it leaves you scared and vulnerable, but you finally try swimming again because you can't let it stop you from swimming and finding land. I feel like I have been trying to find land for a while now, but I learned to accept that I may not find the land I have been looking for, but I can find other amazing things along the way. Like in everything in life it is something you learn how to handle and somedays are pure hell, but knowing I have been knocked down and survived every-time keeps me prepared to know I can do it because I have done it every time. This is only to share the harsh truths of having an anxiety disorder not to have sympathy. I don't need it. I know I can handle it on my own because I have found ways to help me so I am okay but I just need people to understand why I shutdown or overtalk sometimes. I hate more than anything when people tell me to stop worrying and it will go away. It won't go away fully I can find ways to make it better(which I have), but truly it's not something that is just "poof gone" it's a part of who I am and my brain is developed differently then others and it not something I can just "turn off". I accepted it because it is apart of me but I want this part of me to be accepted too from the world. I won't ever let it affect others because that is not anyone else's problem except mine. I have come really far, but it doesn't mean I don't have days where I struggle hard. I am sorry if my anxiety has ever affected you or made you worried, I am trying. I am okay but please all I ask is to be understood.
