I'm not sure if it's just me, but saying "I'm sorry" seems so disingenuous. We were always taught growing up that admitting you were wrong and saying sorry was such a great feeling. Yet, it just leaves me feeling hollow because I still did something wrong to someone else.
So, that's why I'm writing this.
Hopefully, this will be a better apology than just a simple, "I'm sorry." Now, this won't be a list of every single time I've hurt someone or lied or just been an all-around bad person, but more so an all-encompassing message that hopefully the reader, if they ever read it, of course, can realize that I'm talking about them without having to say their names.
The past few years haven't exactly been the most amazing. I've met some of the greatest people I've ever met in my entire life, that's for sure. However, my experiences have been ones that have brought me lower than I ever thought. Yet, when I look back on those things, I realize how negative and how needy I must've been. I want to thank those that were there with me through thick and thin, but I also want to say I'm sorry for every tear you shed for me. I realize now that those times put a lot of pressure on you in a time where you definitely had your own issues to deal with. I never want to be a burden on someone else, but I do want to thank you for always being there when I needed you.
In this whole reflection of mine, I've realized I haven't been the same to you. When I was at my lowest I needed you, but when you needed me, I just abandoned you. As if we were some plot line in a movie, I was better so I didn't need you anymore and what was going on with you suddenly became "not my problem." I made up lies like having to work, family outings, special occasions, many of which were lies just to avoid you. In my opinion, that's one of the worst things you can do to a person, to not be there for someone who gave up so much just to help you. I hope I never made you feel worse or as if you weren't worth the time.
You're more worth it than I ever was.
A friend of mine told me not too long ago that I was one of the most compulsive liars that he's ever known. Not the best thing a person wants to hear, but it was a bit of a wake-up call. Because of my need for attention at times and my desire to fit in, I think I started to lie consistently and constantly in order to "keep up." It's definitely something I do need to work on, but for now, I want to say I'm sorry for any lies I've told. Sure, there are always those "white lies" people would rather hear, but I'm more talking about the very unnecessary lies (I'm sure you remember a couple). There really was no need to say the things I've said, whether it was a fake fact or a repeated rumor with no truth behind it.
I hope this helps something, anything. Maybe it brings a bit of closure, more likely it won't. For me, it's easier to explain on paper rather than verbally. If any of you do end up reading this and want to talk about it, or maybe just want to yell at me and tell me this changed nothing for you, some way or another, I hope this gets to those I mean it to. For any of those reading this that don't personally know me, I encourage you to write your own "letter." If you're lucky, it might take a bit of pressure off your shoulders.