Since I can remember, I have been planning my wedding. I've been changing the color of my dress and its shape, the type of flower that would be in my bouquet as opposed to the table centerpieces, the color scheme, the soundtrack, the number of cake tiers, and whether all the tiers should be the same flavor or different and who should be able to give a speech and for how long.
The answers to these question have varied over the years but the thought has never left me. And frankly, I feel like I would throw a bomb wedding, probably the best ever. But, what I know I would suck at is the part that comes after, being married. There are many reasons for that. Probably the most important is the fact that I am the textbook definition of a commitment-phobe. I have trouble committing to a night out with friends, on a suitable, on the color of lipstick I'll wear for the day, never mind committing to a person for the rest of my life. The main problem is I hate feeling confined, both physically and emotionally. I like to think of it as mental claustrophobia. The idea of not having an out or not having total control over my life, honestly leaves to sort of short in breathe. Marriage while a beautiful commitment for many, feels often like obtaining a third parent to me. It represents just another person to answer to, "Where were you?" "Who were you with?" "I don't want you to do that!" While all fair questions from a life partner and permanent roommate, is the last thing I want at the end of the day. And you might say, "Marriage isn't permanent, you can always get divorced." To that I would answer, divorce and a DUI require similar amounts of money, work and time to deal with. And both leave a permanent and ugly scar on your record. Once you get divorced, you become a divorce, which society deals with that an extra flaw. You have to disclose that to the people you see after and most people find that a large majority of the eligible singles pool find divorces a least slightly less appealing than someone whose never been married. The fact that you failed at this thing becomes a character flaw. Quite frankly, being alone and becoming a spinster sounds more appealing. Now, I'm not at all saying that marriage is bad or people shouldn't get married. What I actually believe is that it is a decision that can not be done just because "it feels right" or "I'm in love." Marriage is an institution that has economic, legal and interpersonal consequences and thus should not be treated with whimsy and romanticism but rather harsh introspection and uncomfortable honesty. And when you look at it that way, you might agree that marriage just isn't for you.