When I was in high school, I always felt out of place thanks to my body. I wasn't as skinny as all the other girls, I didn't feel comfortable posting pictures from days at the beach on Instagram. I could never borrow prom dresses because I was too curvy. I never felt like really got a handle on the whole messy bun look.
I spent four years (and I'm sure many more before that) focusing on the ways I felt inferior to others. I could never grasp the fact that all of those things were figments of my imagination. It took going to college and gaining the Freshman 15 to open my eyes to my own self worth.
College has allowed me to feel like I have control over what I eat, how I exercise, and when I do all of the above. Yet regardless of the fact that I've made the transition to much healthier eating habits and walk three to six miles a day around the District of Columbia, it hasn't been enough.
Why?
Well, sometimes you need medication. And sometimes medication makes you gain weight. And you know what? That's okay.
The number on the scale is a mental construct, a societal box that you feel you're expected to fit in. I can proudly say I gained the Freshman 15, and I have never felt more confident in myself.
I used to never be able to leave the house without makeup. Now, I've learned how to appreciate the beauty in my natural face.
I don't feel as if I have to change my outfit four times in the morning. And most important of all, I don't feel like I need to show a little extra skin or have my makeup done perfectly to impress a boy. Not that there's anything wrong with that, because believe me I've made that move myself.
My point is this: I weigh more than I ever have before, and I honestly have never felt better. I feel confident and full and as if I can embrace the uniqueness of my own body. I know how to dress it and show it off and use it to the best of my ability. Why? Well, college isn't high school. Those body image demons that followed me around from class to class every day aren't there. Everyone wore the same thing at my high school, and I realize that may have been more of a curse than a blessing for me.
It's no longer about comparing how I looked in the same outfit everyone else was wearing. Now I get to wear my own clothes that express who I am as a person, rather than feeling trapped in the same plaid kilt every girl with a size 2 waist seemed to pull off better than I did.
The number on the scale means nothing. The number on the dress means nothing. And that used to seem like a whole load of bullshit to me. But it's through confidence, self-encouragement, a new environment, friends, and a kick-ass therapist that I've been able to get to the point where I can freely write about my own struggle with body image. I know I have a healthy diet. I know I exercise. And I know my mental health has improved significantly. 15 pounds has nothing on me.
I love my curves. And so should you. So eat the salad, but don't be afraid to also eat the cupcake.
