"Stories are like children. They grow in their own way."
-Madeleine L'Engle, A Swiftly Tilting Planet
As I sit in my two-bedroom apartment with my husband of one year, I can't help but reflect on how much my life has transformed since beginning college. It sounds very cliché, but it's truly amazing just how much I've changed and grown in the past four years. People often say the best teacher is experience and I can certainly concur with how true that is. Now that I've lived through some of the things I've lived through, I see life and myself through a whole different lens. The memories I've made and the good and bad times I've endured have helped shape me into the person who's still currently writing her story. I've come to a grand conclusion: I am not the same person that I was freshman year.
It often feels like my freshman year of college was eons ago, but when I really stop to think about it four years doesn't seem like such a long time. Even a lifetime can be fairly short, as many would also point out. In that short four years, I've gained and lost friendships, family members, lovers, ideologies and many personas of myself. I've learned to take criticism, fight adversity, stand up when I want to give up and never to let one piece of my story write another. But most importantly, I've let go of people, ideas and things that no longer serve me in a constructive, positive and practical way and that to me has been the greatest lesson of all.
I realized quickly how much things could change when I started college. Freshman year in college meant I could make my own schedule, have a stranger as a roommate and have professors tell me to my face that my work was total crap on my very first assignment. I also started to really get along with my roommate and bond with her only to have her drop out within a month because she felt too far away from home. I got a job on campus, was secretary of my resident hall's council, had my paternal grandfather pass away and fell in love with my first boyfriend ever. These are the first memories I have of my freshman year that would shape me forever.
College can be a time to start with a blank canvas; a place where no one will know (or remember) your name. I liked that aspect of college as a freshman and even though I was pretty involved on campus, I was still scared and shy to meet new people outside of class, work or my residence hall. My reputation was often referred to as "straight edge." I didn't party at first, but later on was often too easily pulled into the dangers of immense peer pressure and suggestion. I got drunk for the first time and started to become freer and looser than my strict parents had raised me to be, but I also lost a bit of myself in the process. During this new phase in my life, I made some decisions I wasn't so proud of.
Sophomore year was when I really learned the errors of my ways. I was frustrated much of the time with my life and where my own choices had led me. My boyfriend and I broke up at the end of that year and other unfortunate events had transpired. I felt dizzied and like my grasp on reality was spiraling down the drain. I had forgone thinking and was careless, reckless and often a danger to myself. I tried to numb my feelings and ended up hurting people around me. In the journey to finding myself, I lost innocence and good decisions my old self would have made. My parents looked at me in a different light and treated me in a weird way. I wasn't the same then and I'm so much better off now being the person I truly am meant to be.
If I had stayed the same person I was freshman year, I can't imagine how different my life would be right now. I wasn't socially ready for college. I underestimated the intensity and reality of peer pressure, partying/drinking scene and life lessons needed to be semi-successful because of overblown college stereotypes I had assumed were "just in the movies." Before I crashed and burned socially, I was terrified of people noticing me and was happy remaining non-existent; I was comfortable being left in the shadows. I was happy in my own naïvité and lack of judgment. I had little knowledge of the outside world around me.
I grew when I needed to. My journey may have not been the most graceful one, but it happened and I'm happy where I am now. My uncle once wrote me that "life and love is not always a straight line," and he's absolutely right. Life gets messy and I think it's both healthy and good to experience it while you're young and the stakes aren't too high. I'm not the same person I was freshman year and that makes me happy. I'm proud to say that in four short years I have changed so much and for the better in a lot of ways. I have grown up since freshman year, that's what's important. I have learned to take responsibility and be a leader. I have learned new and improved ways to be myself and to love myself better.
It's my senior year now, and looking back at the past four years of college, I accept all the dumb decisions I made, even the mistakes. It took a lot of time for me to realize this, but if I had remained the same boring, spotless, starved for perfection, almost non-existent person I was, I would be boring. I wouldn't have a story, my story, which I am so proud to share today. I just hope that I'll continue to be as proud to share it later on in my life when I continue to write my story.
