If you know me, you know I'm a control freak. I like structure and planning. Even if my plan is doomed to fail, I still like to have one, just to say I have one. If someone or something throws a wrench in my plan, then it makes me internally freak out. I like to be in control of every situation so I plan every situation. The only problem is not everything in life can be planned.
As I get closer to my senior year the topic of occupation has come up. You know what it's like. Every time you see someone you know and they find out you're graduating soon the question is immediate, "What are you going to do when you graduate?" Sometimes I make something up but most of the time the answer is "I don't know". Just thinking about the unknown and what I haven't planned gives me anxiety. I'm constantly on indeed looking for ideas (even though those jobs will be gone by the time I graduate). Sometimes I find something and then something usually makes me change my mind. The other problem is that I don't feel passionate about anything besides writing. And you usually cant make very much or any money with writing, at least not at first. This is one example of me not being okay with not being in control.
Another example of how much I like to plan is the topic of surprises. I love the fact that people (my boyfriend) love me enough to plan out surprises but I hate the fact that I don't know what they are. I don't know how to dress or how to potentially react. It's so bad sometimes that I'll relentlessly try to guess until he tells me. And then he tells me that I can't have everything planned out.
The truth is, I will never be in control. And The fact is that the control that I perceive I have is just an illusion. This has been a lifelong struggle for me and it will probably be one forever just because it's who I am. But when wrenches do get thrown in my plans or if I simply don't have one, I make myself take a step back. I have to realize that I'm powerless in the future. God has, is, and will be the only one that truly has control. I have to tell myself that HE is the one who has a plan and HE will be the one to see the plan through. This makes me anxious sometimes because it's still not me who has the control. But I also have to tell myself that it is someone who loves me so much better than I love myself. He is someone who has such a better plan then I can imagine for myself. He is someone who not only knows my needs but also my wants more than I know them myself.
So, if you're struggling with the future, being in control, or feeling like you have no control, trust in God. God knew us before we were even born, so he has to know us better than we know ourselves (Jeremiah 1:5). I know it's hard to give that tight grip of control and plans that you think you have up but do it. It's better than being anxious about your own plans working out and trying to see them through yourself. You don't have to do life by yourself. You don't have to make plans all alone. You don't have to be in control. God will see you through every high and low and will have everything planned out to the T. So give it to him.
Proverbs 19:21, "Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand."
